moving on

i have a new blog now...

coledjones.tumblr.com

find me there :)

hope youre all doing well!

The Mark of a True Christian

Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.

this is from Romans 12... in my version (ESV) the heading to this section of verses is labeled "Marks of a True Christian"

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
This is how we are to be set apart.
is my love always genuine? am i always hating evil and looking for the good, not only looking for it, but holding on to it for my life?
this is one that really got me. how often am i trying to outdo someone with honor???? sure i'll try to be funnier than someone else, i'll try to get a better grade, i'll try to be more sarcastic, i'll try to make more friends, i'll try to outdo someone in almost any way... but in HONOR?!? never have i approached a situation with that in my mind or on my heart.
and these are the marks of a true believer. of someone who is desperately seeking to love and glorify and follow their savior. that is what i want to be doing.
these verses kicked me in the tail this week. so i thought i'd share them.

officially this blog has nothing to do with student teaching anymore...
i have finished my (reallllly long) paper, my box is in order, and i'm turning everything in tomorrow morning. student teaching is behind me.
this week has had it's highs and lows (whoa dang, a lot of them)
but i am so thankful for this time to readjust to being back in columbia, and i am SO THANKFUL to be back in columbia. i am glad that the Lord gave me those two months in Rock Hill, but that's not where i'm supposed to be anymore, and I'm totally okay with that, and i'm looking forward to seeing how the Lord uses this next month to mold and shape my heart to be more like his... it's gonna be good.
i am content. amen.

process process process

In one of my earlier blogs I listed some things that I had learned
since student teaching had begun… most of the things on that list were
superficial and just kind of funny ☺

I’ve spent a lot of this time away reflecting and processing through
the past three months, and thanks to Justin…er… Mr. Ferren, I’m loving
making lists these days… hence; an updated list on what I’ve learned
through student teaching:

- high schoolers are really cool. Like. Really.
- I didn’t think it would be possible for me to love that many kids
all at once. Allowing Jesus to take over and overflow my heart with
love for my kids was the most overwhelming experiences of my life. And
I do love them. Every single one. More than I can even explain.
- The prospect of teaching through the divided kingdom seemed
impossible to me the first week of January. I knew very little about
it and there was so much to work through. at times it was incredibly
difficult… and challenging, and confusing; BUT! a better understanding
of the events within the divided kingdom has taught me so much; most
people look at the Divided Kingdom and they see brokenness, and
darkness, and ungodliness, and general messed-up-ness (what with all
the killing and idol worship and sacrificing babies…tearing open
pregnant womans bellies, constant ignorance…) but the Lord allowed me
to see his LOVE, his GRACE, his DELIVERANCE, his REDEMPTION… I needed
to see those things, I needed to learn about those things.
- skipping or skimming over the divided kingdom while studying the
bible as a whole is an awful decision, because when you learn what’s
in the divided kingdom, you understand the prophets better, when you
understand the prophets better, you understand Jesus’s life and
ministry better, when you understand that better, you fall more in
love with a Savior who sacrificed everything imaginable to be in
relationship with us. Ahhh, so good.
- if I am being completely transparent and honest, student teaching
was the one part of the program that I’m in that I was completely
dreading. I thought I was going to be awful at it, I thought it was
going to be really hard, I thought it was going to be really
discouraging, I hate (and really, I mean HATE) getting in front of
people, I was terrified of having to do that every single day. BUT,
the Lord is good (endlessly, consistently, relentlessly) and met me in
all of those inadequacies. Yes. There were definitely days that I
sucked, and there were days that I felt discouraged, and there were
times that I thought it was too hard, and I couldn’t keep going, and
there were days that I would be a complete nervous wreck… my voice
would shake, my hands would shake, I would forget to ask the right
questions… regardless, I loved every single minute of this experience,
I loved watching the Lord meet and guide and direct me in the moments
that my voice was shaking so bad I could hardly hear myself talk, in
the times that I felt so discouraged and worthless the Lord gave me a
moment with a student that turned my day around. The point is, it was
all of those things, but seeing the Lord meet me in the midst of it
and guide me and allow me to do this regardless of my short-comings
was the most incredible experience in my life to date.
- for the first time, I learned to function outside of brokenness and
depravity. Yes, it’s there, and yes, it’s good to be reminded that we
are NOT and that He IS, but as believers we are not called to operate
within those parameters… we are called to operate within the freedom
of God’s grace to us. He was given us life. An abundant life indeed,
and because of him we do not have to feel broken and worthless all of
the time. Good.
- When youre in school your entire life you think you know what it’s
like to be a teacher… kind of. But YOU DON’T. you have no idea.
- I love studying. I’m a total scoop. Usually I would study for about
5 or 6 hours a day, and I still felt like it wasn’t enough. Studying
in order to be able to teach something is completely different than
the studying we do in school. And I love it.

In all honesty I think I will be processing this time for a long time
coming… I’m a slow mover when it comes to working through big things
like this… this list will certainly grow over the years.

Overall, I learned more about the God of the Old Testament than I can
put into words, and I have fallen in love even more with the Savior
who has redeemed me and delivered me and shown me grace upon grace.
And I am humbled and in awe.

ps: i painted this based on my lesson on Jeremiah :)

i couldnt stay away...

Luke 24
"...they went to the tomb, taking the spices they had prepared. And they found the stone rolled away from the tomb, but when they went in they did not find the body of the Lord Jesus. While they were perplexed about this, behold, two men stood by them in dazzling apparel. And as they were frightened and bowed their faces to the ground, the men said to them, "Why do you seek the living among the dead? He is not here, but has risen..."

a huge theme within my student teaching, and with my actual teaching/lessons has been the complacency we as believers begin to experience within our faith. we allow things to become mundane. we allow the Bible to become another book, and prayer to become something on another check list.

WE SERVE A SAVIOR WHO STRAIGHT UP ROSE HIMSELF FROM THE DEAD.

ok. phew. had to get that out.

helllllloooo. that is NOT MUNDANE. that is not average. that is not NORMAL.

"oh yea... easter sunday... Jesus rose from the grave today... awesome, let's find a church to go to..."

NO! (i mean, yes. going to church of course is good. but tomorrow is not just like any other sunday... stop acting like it's no big deal!!)

being a kid that grew up in a christian school (no joke. kindergarten through the top. yes. even grad school.) i have seen the Bible become just another book, and the truths and stories and life lessons within it become answers to a test, that you have to do well on so that your parents will be happy, or so that you can still play sports, or so that your other Bible college classmates wont judge you for not loving Jesus enough...

no only have i seen it happening around me. i have actively participated in it. i am guilty.

Jesus sacrificed everything. his own life. to live in RELATIONSHIP with us. and this is how i respond? by making his life something that is MUNDANE? something that is average, and hardly notable?
he bore our sins. not just ours, but of every single person to live. do you understand that? really. think about it. how many sins do you commit on an average day? 100 or so if youre being generous? at this moment there are 6,836,033,585 people on earth. that's just the people that are living right now. much less the people that have lived and died up until now. and the people that will live.

so... simple math. 100 sins a day x 365 days in a year = 36500 sins per year. the average life span is 80ish years = 2920000... i think you get the picture...

he bore every single last one of those. so that he could have a relationship with me. wow.
he died a painful, gruesome death. so that he could have a relationship with me. wow.
he defeated science. he defeated death. he walked out of a tomb. so that he could have a relationship with me. WOW. that is not mundane. that is not average.

THAT IS INCREDIBLE. that should move you. that should change your heart.
his word, the Bible, is not simply a book. it is a story of his love. of his grace. of his redemption. of his deliverance. of his wanting and pursuing a relationship with us. shame on us (me) for treating it so flippantly sometimes...

over and out

it's finished. i'm done.

the relief that comes with that statement is so incredibly overpowered by the broken feeling in my heart.
i'm sitting in books-a-million, and tears are flowing down my cheeks as i think about everything that i'm leaving.

to my kids. you are my heart. you have been for the past two months. you have been my life. and you are the reason that i got up each morning. teaching you has been the most incredible experience of my life. you have taught me more than i could ever hope to teach you. you have shown me how to be a better teacher, and that it's possible for Jesus to love so many people at once through my heart. i didnt think i could do it, i didnt think it would be possible.

i cannot wait to see what you are like when you are grown up. i cannot wait to see what you all become, and how He uses you in this world. i cannot wait to say "i knew them, i got to hang out with them for two months and teach them and love them and know them..."

i wish i could sum up this experience in a short, concise and sensible way. but there is too much. my heart is full, and my heart is broken. broken for the call that the Lord has allowed me to pursue, and full from the realization that i get to do it. broken for the students i'm leaving in rock hill, and full from the opportunity i've had to know them. broken for the million other things i can learn in order to become a better teacher, and full from what i've learned in this short amount of time...

i love you. i mean it. i'll think about you for the rest of my life, i'll pray for you, i'll miss you and our time together. every day.

thank you for letting me know you. thank you for opening your hearts to me. thank you for loving me. thank you...

the last lesson...

i just taught my last lesson...
ouch. my heart hurt just typing that.
this is my last week of student teaching.
ouch.

today i talked about jeremiah...
talk about overwhelming. so much good stuff. one day? how?

we all have plans, we have an idea of what our life will look like...

for example; in the next six months i would like to be done with grad school, i would love to have a job, a place to live, etc...

in the next four or five years; i would love to be overseas somewhere. africa maybe. or china. maybe even indonesia. ive thought about all three, that's for sure. i want to be teaching, i want to have a good chunk of my loans paid off, maybe even married...

we make plans, we have goals. imagine one day God calls you up and says... "hey, i know you have these plans and stuff... but i have other ideas for you. actually, i'd like you to have no money, be alone and lonely, and preach some things that sound really crazy to people who wont really listen to you anyways..."

i'm not saying that Jeremiah's plans were anything like yours or mine. and i can't even say necessarily that he had any plans at all, but it is hard for me to imagine otherwise... we all make them, even if we dont realize it... and Jeremiah's call and his response to it makes me think this...

when the Lord tells him what he has for him Jeremiah responds with what we would all respond with... "BUT!!!"

but... i am young!
but... i am nothing!
but... what will i say!
but... but... but...

we all have a million "buts..."

later in Jeremiah 11 God tells him exactly what his message is to be. When the Israelites left Egypt the Lord gave them commands (the ten commandments, to get specific) and he made a covenant with them. "Keep these. Don't kill, don't lie, don't covet... I promise you a land flowing with milk and honey, i promise you prosperity, i promise you LIFE, in me."

obviously at this point, the Israelites have done a piss poor job of keeping these commandments, of loving the Lord and following the law... that's why theyre in the place that they are... they've ignored the Lord, they've ignored the law, and they are ruining the covenant that the Lord has given them. but Jeremiah has seen the Lords GRACE. he has seen the Lords MERCY. he as seen his GOODNESS. He saw Josiah's reign, he saw Manasseh's repentance, he's seen the Lord deliver his people, and he is calling out to them, reminding them of the Lords promises and commands... most people see Jeremiah as a prophet who's message is doom and gloom. but i think Jeremiah saw a lot of HOPE.

in the beginning Jeremiah starts with "BUT!!!"

and then....

then!

Jeremiah 20:9
"If I say, "I will not mention him, or speak any more in his name," there is in my heart as it were a burning fire shut up in my bones, and I am weary with holding it in, and I cannot."

he is so overwhelmed by his message. he is so moved by what the Lord has given him to say, that he might EXPLODE if he doesnt share it.
do i wake up at 530 every morning exlpoding to get to school in order to share what the Lord has given me to teach my students... not every day. which makes me so very sad...
do i grow weary with NOT being able to share Him?
do you? do you seize every opportunity to spread His name?

up...down...back...forth...around...

first... school with no kids = no fun. none at all.

today i had to submit all of my grades, and THAT was weird.
none of my kids failed! :) praise the Lord.

last week was the first week in months that i didnt have anything to do... no studying 5 hours a day, no teaching 6 hours a day... nothing. it was different.
because of the forced hiatus from teaching, i spent a lot of time thinking. a lot of time being still... and that was really hard for me.
the past two months have literally been a roller coaster of emotions. and i'm incredibly slow when it comes to processing things like this... i'm not a verbal processor. at all. (hence, the blog :)
so, the combination of me being slow, and the past three months being INSANE, resulted in this past week being really really hard.
i'm leaving rock hill in less than a week. that's hard.
i'm scared to come back to columbia. that's hard.
i want to do this for the rest of my life, and i dont know if that's going to happen for me right now. that's hard.
i'm beyond attached to my students. i love them. and i'm leaving them. that's hard.
i've changed a lot. my heart has changed, my life has been changed, and i dont know how to put that change into words. that's hard.

leaving rock hill and my students are rather obvious... but being scared to come back to columbia is not something i ever expected to happen. in the beginning i counted down days until this was over. until i could be back. until i could be done. but now i'm scared to step back into a life that's not really mine anymore. i've led a completely separate life for the past two months. a life that i love. a life that i want to keep living, until God doesnt let me anymore. my heart aches at the thought of leaving it, and coming back into another. one that isnt really all that bad, that i loved for a good portion of the past five years, but one that i dont need anymore, one that i dont fit into anymore. or maybe that's why i'm scared... because i dont think that i'll fit. but maybe i will. maybe...

the way my heart feels right now... there are no words.

i never wanted to be in the circus...

life as a student teacher is kind of like a balancing act...
balancing time; time to write lessons, time to grade papers, time to rest, time to get ready, time to get to school, time to leave school...
balancing people; your students, how much you let them in, how much you give to them, your cooperating teacher, letting them pour into you, letting them know you so that they can help you.
your host family, knowing how to fit them in with all of the other things youre already juggling around... your friends back at ciu, keeping them updated, and involved even from an hour and a completely different life away... your family, wherever they may be. regardless of where i live i will always be a jones, and they (the rest of those jones') want to stay informed as well, and i want them informed.
it's not even just about me, and keeping them updated on me... but i would love to know about them (as we've already covered, i love knowing my students), and i love knowing my friends in columbia, and i love knowing my family...

all of this to say... i'm not such a talented juggler... i am very easily wrapped up and distracted in the here and now. my students are who i see every day, and honestly, they get a majority of my heart. my lessons are what i do every day, so they get a majority of my time during the week. grading and studying comes along with that territory... i live with my host family (obviously) so i see and interact with them daily as well... billy observes and watches me teach every day, he gets a lot of my attention... because he can actually help me get better!

i'm starting to feel disconnected to things that were incredibly important to me two months ago, and it's making my heart hurt... and a little confused. because i am incredibly happy and content with where i am, but i long for columbia and home all at the same time...
how human of me to long for the things in this world that make me comfortable and happy all in the same place...
i think this goes back to what i said a few blogs back... in my heart, i need to learn to differentiate the loving Jesus well over the loving others well... because as i learn to love Jesus well, i will stop looking for that feeling of contentedness in other places... and the balancing act will fade, he is it. he is everything. there is no balancing. just Jesus.

love? again? really?

i've been using the word "love" a lot lately... i "love" student teaching, i "love" my students, i "love" my Savior...
words mean something. in the past, i was incredibly careful with my words. it was hard for me to say "i love you" to anyone outside of my family really. that's not to say that when i say it now, i dont really mean it, that's definitely not what i'm getting at. but i think that an analogy dr. cooper gave us student teachers as we were starting this journey kind of fits here, so i'm going to tweak it to my liking to try to help explain myself :)

since i've come to CIU, and really, since i've begun to grow up. spiritually, physically, mentally... all of the above, i have gained a fuller realization of the love my savior has for me, and how consistently and graciously he's given it... so, when i say "i love..." i am realizing more and more what that actually means, i'm realizing the weight of that statement, i'm realizing that i do not love to the capacity that i know. in the chart, it shows that my knowledge of love (Godly, Agape, Christ-like love) has grown exponentially... which is awesome. knowing about my saviors love for me... incredible. i also know that this is the kind of love that he's called me to...as someone who is following him and wanting to be more like him, this is a reasonable thing... to want to love in the same way that i am being loved... as you can see in that chart... while i AM progressing... the more i progress, the more i realize and learn about His love for me, the two lines keep escalating... and sometimes one or the other escalates (more often it is the knowledge line that escalates, rather than the ability...unfortunately) to an extreme degree, and i feel like i'll never balance out. but i'm thinking that that is the whole point! why would we devote an entire lifetime to serving a God that we could eventually figure out? he wouldnt be God, and he wouldnt be worthy of that kind of servitude/adoration/love/commitment... if we could figure everything out about Him... right?

all of that to say, that sincerely, i am in Love with what i am doing (teaching the Bible, teaching in general, studying the word, gaining knowledge about my savior), and i am in Love with 90 high schoolers... but there is so much love in my heart for these things... too much. because Nicole Jones is selfish, and self-centered, and would rather sleep and watch tv than study, and would rather be in a place that is familiar and comfortable, and with close friends... but JESUS. Jesus in me is exploding with love for this experience. Jesus in me keeps me up at night wondering and thinking and praying about my students... Jesus in me wants more knowledge on what i'm studying so that i might actually be effective and say something worthwhile... something worth listening to me. praise the Lord that i am no longer a slave to myself, to my selfishness, to my self-centered heart. JESUS has conquered those things, and as long as i let him, he reigns in me. and for that i am incredibly thankful.

sorry... that was kind of random...
:)

momma. moving. and COPS.

today has been eventful... and a little bit crazy.

my mom came down to charlotte to hang out with me and celebrate my bday with me (dont worry, you havent missed it yet, i'm still one week shy of 24... phew) we spent most of today running from place to place. i showed her my classroom and school, we went shopping and to lunch, she met my "host mom" and saw the houses i've lived in (yes, houses... dont worry, i'll get to that part.) we went to see my girls play some soccer and kick some york bottom. i LOVE watching my kids play sports. it's like i'm a proud mom or something. i'm so proud of them while i'm watching... crazy.

after that i dropped my mom back in charlotte because she had to get home (sad... only 24 hours with her, and it was the first time i'd seen her since the end of december... ohhh being a grown up, i dont know how i feel about you...)

then i proceeded to my favorite and least favorite place in all of rock hill... books-a-million of course :) and spent the remainder of my saturday grading tests. the life of a teacher, now that... i can get used to :)

an explanation; part of student teaching is that dr. cooper places all of us with a "host family" to live with for the duration of our teaching time. i started off living with another student teacher and her host family for my first week in Rock Hill, then, i moved in with my host family (a single woman, sheri, and her adopted (from china) daughter, anna) the house that sheri and anna were living in was a rental, so sheri just bought a new house... in the middle of all of the moving, my mom was in town, so i didnt get to the new house to move my stuff in until literally about an hour ago... there was some sort of misunderstanding with when i would get back from charlotte and from being with my mom, so when sheri heard me moving all of my stuff into the house she got scared and called the cops! they showed up at the house while i was in the middle of unpacking my suitcase... scary.

everything is cleared up now... obviously. but man... long and eventful night!

i've got two weeks left with my kids, which hurts my heart more than i can even begin to say. my sophomores are in DC for the week, so it's just me and the freshmen this week... billy, my cooperating teacher, is going on the dc trip too, so i'm pretty sure i'm going to be legitimately alone this week. weird. i'm not teaching any more lessons (which makes me ridiculously sad), but i'll try my best to keep this updated with what i'm learning still... i'm sure that what i'm learning wont slow down in the least bit even though i'm not teaching anymore... it just might be about different types of things...

tomorrow (hopefully) i'm taking some of my girls out to dinner to hang out with them and spend some time with them before i leave, and i'm really looking forward to that!
this week is a three day week, and then thur and fri are teacher work days (weird that i actually have to go in for those... used to be a free day off... not anymore!)

heart check

so i havent really felt like updating recently... mostly because my last post was SO selfish and self-centered... i didnt know how to come back and sweep up that mess... so i've avoided it...

shame.
shame on me.
shame on me for making my teaching experience wrapped up in my relational experiences as opposed to making it about bringing glory to my Savior.
even if i walked into a classroom full of people who relentlessly hated me... that is NOT WHY I'M HERE.
yes. i love that part of teaching. i love loving my students. but if i'm not loving them to bring glory to Jesus, but only for some sort of self fulfillment... then shame. shame on me.

I just found these notes i took on a lecture that Dr. C gave right before all of the student teachers left to go their separate ways (it was an INTENSE talk, for real)
in it, she challenged us to be willing to give up our own personal needs and desires for the privilege of teaching the Gospel to my students. She challenged us by saying that our primary purpose in life should be loving Jesus, which if we love Jesus well, we can love our students well... makes sense.
obviously i love Jesus. he is the only reason i'm doing what i'm doing... but i think i got a little too wrapped up in being able to love my students well, that i lost sight of that original goal. if i'm not focused on loving Jesus well, then my love gets selfish. and self-centered. ummmm, guilty. yup. that's me.

paul loved his brothers so much that he said this:
"For I could wish that I myself were accursed and cut off from Christ for the sake of my brothers, my kinsmen according to the flesh."
WHAT?! do i love my brothers and sisters that much?? so much that i would cut myself off from Christ for their gain??
heart check.
not even just the people that i actually like... everyone. time out. everyone?
heart check.


paul talks constantly about what he is giving up for the sake of the Gospel and for loving his brothers (1 Corinthians 8:13)... am i giving up anything? am i willing to give anything up? why am i two weeks away from being finished with this experience and just now realizing this?!
Paul streamlined his life driven, clear purpose... the issue here isnt really about what i'm willing to give up so much as it is KNOWING why i'm here. not a "calling" or anything like that. i am here solely to love God, and bring him glory...regardless of what i'm actually doing, that should be my purpose.
Paul suffered. Paul knew the purpose in his suffering. How could he be so free in the midst of it? because for Paul, to LIVE was Christ... to die was GAIN (Philipians 1:21) what an incredible mind-set and heart... to live is Christ... is my life Christ? is yours? would other people think so?


today i talked with my students about Habakkuk.
Habakkuk had nothing to be happy or joyful about.
the nation around him was broken, evil and everything that is opposite of thriving. (Hab 3:16-17)
but Habakkuk decides to respond with joy. he finds is joy in the Lord. the only place that it can possibly be found and untouched by his wretched surroundings.
i feel like that can be so tricky though...
teacher: well... Habakkuk found his joy in the Lord... so you should too!
student: ok, i'll check it off on my check list, hard times are coming, i just find joy in the Lord.

BUT HOW?!?

it's not just a coke dispenser, that you can walk up to push a button and bam, there's your free refill on joy...
yes, his love for us is unlimited, yes if we find out joy in him, it is unwavering and always there, yes, the Lord doesnt move or change, so our joy can be in the same place always... but HOW DO WE GET THERE??

we beg for it. we pray for it. we fall on our knees in front of a gracious and merciful savior and plead for His joy to fill us, to consume us. we read His word, we surround ourselves with people who have it...

I shared this with my students today;
I shared a lot with you guys about my own struggle with depression a few weeks ago… the root of that struggle… I found out, was my wanting to find, my love, my acceptance, my JOY in the circumstances and the people around me. You’ll find out soon enough when you graduate and go on to college, but things start changing really fast in college, people come, people go, you make new friends every week it feels like sometimes… so you can imagine what that felt like for me, as I was trying to define myself and find my joy by my surroundings, when my surroundings felt like a whirlwind… I can tell you from experience, that there is no joy in that. There is a lot of hurt. There is a lot of confusion. There is a lot of pain. No joy… It is incredibly ironic to me, that the one place that we can constantly go to for love, joy acceptance… all of those things, is the one place we are never looking for it. The Lord doesn’t move, He doesn’t change, His love for us doesn’t change either… I know that, but I don’t live in it sometimes. In the midst of a whirlwind of change and brokenness Habakkuk was able to hold on to that truth, and was able to have real joy.

when i left CIU and decided to stay home, i didnt know how to find joy. sincerely. but you better believe that i spent a lot of time before my Father, on my knees begging for it. i spent a lot of time around people who had it. i spent a lot of time reading his word looking for it...

Where is your joy? is it in your family? your friends? in what you do? what you achieve? what youre surrounding yourself with?
heart check.

i remember.

i'm not good at wearing more than one "hat" at a time. being someone's friend, i've got down, i've had 20+ years of practice at that... it's easy... it comes naturally.
being someone's authority AND friend? no thank you. i'm terrible at that. really. awful.
i barely know what boundaries look like in my own life, when i only have to be nicole.
but now there's a whole new set of boundaries that come along with being miss jones (ugh, still hate it) and being mamma j (3rd period) and j-baller (2nd period)... a whole new set of boundaries, a whole new set of rules, a whole new set of do's and dont's that i am really struggling with understanding.

here's the most frustrating part: teaching is all about building; you have to build all of these different levels, like trust, love, respect, etc... without each of those levels being perfectly built and laid, you can kiss all your dreams of being an effective teacher good-bye. in student teaching i have two months to build those levels, those relationships, that respect... that real life (legit) teachers have YEARS to work towards... i told billy a few days ago that i feel like i'm playing with lego's on speed... i'm scrambling to build all of these things with all of these kids...

and it's exhausting. it's up. it's down. it's back. it's forth. i honestly feel like one day they love me and they laugh with me, they enjoy me. and the very next day they're ignoring me, they hate me, they dont want to talk to me... AAAGGHHHHH.
i remember high school. i remember what it felt like. i remember. so i'm trying to be understanding and gracious... but man, i'm human... and sincerely... my feelings get hurt sometimes. it's weird. i didnt think this experience would be like this, i didnt believe it would be so exhausting... but i'm tired. so tired.

regardless of all of this... there is never a day that i leave thinking "i never want to come back here again..." every single day, because of the Lords grace and love for me i leave thinking "i cant wait to get back tomorrow and see what that will be like..."


i never love my students any less either. for real. every day. my heart grows. (honestly; at some point i hope it stops, because come april 1st i'm in for a whole new world of hurt...)

this is it. i've found it.

this post will be a random mod podge of the Lord's goodness to me, and student interactions...

this week, has been an incredible week for me. i feel like everything is clicking and settling, and that is an unbelievable feeling. i look back on my life, i see the hard things that the Lord has brought me through. i see the brokenness. i see the inadequacies. and I SEE PURPOSE. for the first time in my life (sincerely) i see that there is a grand purpose to it all... the Lord brought me through it, so that i can be here, where i'm at, in this moment. everything came together this week. THAT is overwhelming... in the past five years i've felt every range of emotion from aimless to worthless to inadequate to overwhelmed to brokenness... and i'm seeing how that has all brought me here. to a place that i can recognize those feelings and emotions, and understand that they do not define me. it is good to recognize them as a Christ-follower. to realize that i can not. but we as believers are not called to operate within the parameters of those emotions. we are called to operate within deliverance. we are called to operate within redemption. we are called to love and live within Christ and everything that HE IS. amen??
i am so unbelievably in love with what i am doing. i know that it is what i'm supposed to be doing for the rest of my life. and i am so overwhelmed and humbled and honored and blessed by that. i LOVE it. love.
the Lord and his sovereignty and his goodness to me makes me speechless. it brings tears to my eyes. it is incredible.

really, i could go on about this forever. so i'll stop myself here, but if you want to hear more, feel free to ask and i'll gladly vomit it all over you :)

my students are my heart. the love that i have for them is so outside of myself, i dont even know what to do with it half of the time. i miss them when i'm away from them, i think about them constantly, i LOVE them.

how do i know that they love me back?

-this week some of my lovely and adoring sophomores pranked my car. nothing says love like car paint all over your windows (ahem, kaylen, monica, lindsay, baxter... it's ON)
- getting texts and messages telling me about what's going on in their lives every day. i LOVE that. they want me to know them, they want me to be involved, and that makes me ridiculously happy.
- the list of people who have asked to be mentioned in this silly little blog is growing on the daily (autumn and terra, here you go ;)
- they pilfer my desk for food, invite themselves to a box of triscuits and devour it within a matter of minutes... again...nothing says love like inviting yourself into someone else's pantry ;)

if you can't tell... i LOVE student teaching, i LOVE my students, i LOVE my life here.
it is coming to a close far too quickly and my heart is already breaking over it...

we are all whores.

God had loved Israel.

God had chosen Israel to be a special people, a special treasure for him. They were to be a bright spot of light in a world that was Godless and corrupt.  – God was faithful to Israel. He loved her and provided for her – but what happened??

They turned from God and worshiped idols. God loves Israel and wants to call her back to Himself, and He used Hosea for this job.

God told Hosea to get married; but not to just anyone. He tells Hosea to marry a whore. a prostitute. "go down to Samaria, find the local strip joint, pick the dirtiest prostitute you can find, and join yourself to her."

TIME OUT: why, oh why did God tell Hosea to marry a prostitute?? prostitution was punishable by death in the old testament. stoning. God told Hosea to marry a prostitute because Israel has become a prostitute! they are whoring out their hearts to other gods, they are filthy, dirty and broken. He puts Hosea through his own hurt, so that Israel (and us!) can learn a lesson. if you've been reading my blog, and you know any of my heart, you know that i think very much that we as believers ARE Israelites. we forget the Lord, we whore ourselves out to other things, things that are not Godly, or of the Lord. Hosea's message was not just to Gomer, it wasnt just to Israel. it was to us.

He married Gomer and they had three children. Hosea loved her very much.

One day, Gomer (perhaps tired and bored with being a preacher’s wife and poor) left Hosea to head back to the excitement of her old life in Samaria’s local “night-club and strip-tease joint.” Hosea and Gomer had probably been poor – but now Gomer has every thing she wants! Her boyfriends and lovers give her all sorts of gifts. Everything looks good, at first. But soon Gomer’s beauty fades. She becomes so disgusting that everyone despises her. No one wants her now. She gets so bad that she starts to pay her lovers, instead of her lovers paying her, she pursues and runs after the men that used to be chasing her down!! (Imagine your husband or wife doing this to you… how would you feel? Imagine your husband or wife paying someone else to sleep with them... HOW WOULD YOU FEEL???)

Now, picture Hosea, the prophet of God, the preacher whose wife has left him. He walks downtown, to the “striptease-nightclub joint” Everyone is staring at him, whispering, snickering… Someone calls out “Hey Preach! How’s the wife?? You heard about her latest boyfriend??” Man you should have seen her last night…”

Then Hosea, his heart breaking, turns to the men. “Hey, you guys think I have a problem? I DO! But God’s got a worse problem – you know who is problem is? YOU! I loved Gomer, I married her, I wanted her to be my one and only, we were so happy! What she has done is breaking my heart…” “But God also loved someone. He chose someone to be HIS one and only, YOU. Israel. YOU ARE THAT SOMEONE. And like my Gomer, you have prostituted yourselves to other gods – and God’s heart is broken!” “But I want to tell you something! Even though Gomer has slept around with other men, even though she has ruined her life and her beauty. Even though she stinks and her lovers don’t want her anymore, and everyone looks down on her as a worthless prostitute, I STILL LOVE HER! YOU GO TELL HER THAT I LOVE HER AND WANT HER BACK!” 

Hosea's message to Gomer is God’s message to Israel! they’ve left God, ruined their lives, lost their purity. they are filthy and dirty. But GOD STILL LOVES THEM!!! If only they would repent, turn back to God, turn away from their idols and let Him restore them to that relationship they once had!

ummmm. excuse me? if we are JUST LIKE Israel, (which really... think about it. we are.) how can you possibly see this kind of love displayed toward us and NOT be moved by it? how can you NOT respond? how can you not leave your other lovers and run full speed toward the one true love that will love you like that??

Hosea didnt just go back to get Gomer (talk about some humility, just taking the step to go get her, can you honestly say you'd go off to seek out your whore of a wife? (or husband?) after what they had put you through already?) Hosea doesnt just go and find her; he PAYS EVERYTHING HE HAS to get her back. what?!? he pays off Gomer's pimp. so that he can have his whore of a wife back. back it up. read that again. what?!?

it's not like Gomer got her act together and then Hosea came to the rescue. SHE WAS STILL A WHORE.

hold on... this sounds familiar... oh yes...

 "but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8)

While we were still whore's, sinners, broken, ugly, worthless... God sent his only son, everything he had, to pay off our pimp. to give us hope. to give us perfect love. to give us grace. he sacrificed everything to have us back... 

wow.

phew.

meet my students :)

These are my kids. They are my life. They are my heart. :)

ahhh. prophets. yes. finally.

there is so much love in my heart for my students that most of the time i dont even know what to do with it. i smile all the time. i think about them all the time. i want to KNOW them. i want to know them well. the more i know them, the better i can teach them. i know this, because i'm putting it to practice on a daily basis. my students are my heart.

(for my students that are reading this... YES. i love YOU. sincerely. i do. too much for my own good.)

today i started talking about Amos. Amos? yes, amos. if you dont know much about him, i recommend you do a little study. amos was a nobody. he was a shepherd. he was nothing. and he knew it. God called him to be a prophet during a time when Israel was thriving. They were rich, snobby, luxurious, "religious" and ritual people. they had all of the right practices, but none of the heart necessary behind them.
why would someone who is a nobody try to talk sense into these kind of people? they have everything in the world a man could desire, and really, they thought they had it together. they were doing all of the right "things" (and after all, they werent nearly as evil as the nations surrounding them... what with the tearing open pregnant ladies bellies, killing brothers, auctioning off nations and such... for real. read amos. CRAZY!) they were thinking just that... we're not that bad, look at these other nations, look what they're doing... do we think that? do i think that? "oh i'm not that bad off... i'm not killing any body or anything... no big deal, i cheated on a test... no big deal, i told a little lie..." STOP. if you know God. if you know his love. if you know his deliverance. and you are not ACTING IN IT; you ARE JUST AS BAD OFF. (whoa.)

amos acts simply because GOD TOLD HIM TO (Amos 7:15). what? that's it? no secret power? no magic strength hair? nope. just because God said to do it.

we are all nobodies. in the grand scheme of life we are nothing. BUT; good news. God has called us too.

^"For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. And because of him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification and redemption, so that, as it is written, "Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord."

HELLLLLOOO. God has chosen the foolish, the weak, the DESPISED.
ME. I AM ALL OF THOSE THINGS. why am i not acting? why am i hesitant to follow?
YOU. why are you waiting? what else do you need? God has called, answer.
we boast in nothing but his call and his redemption, and his grace, and his love, and his wisdom, and his strength. or at least we're supposed to. do we?
what have we to boast in but that?

i dont have much new to say.
i worked on my lessons for the next two weeks all day today... and every time i study hosea, i am so moved, so incredibly blown away by my saviors consistent grace and love. i cannot wait to teach about him and his life. sincerely. as i studied and as i saw his grace displayed so plainly tears came to my eyes. oh man, i cant wait. i would post my lesson now, but my kids read my blog... so you'll have to wait :) have a good weekend every one. i'm excited about this weekend. sara kauffman is on her way to charlotte now! i'm spending the weekend hanging out with her. yes.

love.

ummm, check it:

Sarah Williams: Nicole Jones aka J-Baller is amazing. Sincerely, she really is. (:

2 hours ago · Comment · · View Feedback (3)Hide Feedback (3) · Remove Tag

Elise Kathryn Denney and Kelsie Fields like this.

Elise Kathryn Denney

MAMA J!! :)

 

 

yesssss.

deeeeeeep breath...

i'm not teaching today. or tomorrow.
i think the break is good for me, it gives me a chance to actually miss it.
it's interesting to watch billy and how he interacts with the students that i have a hard time with. i really do love my kids. it's insane. every day i'm enjoying them more and more. the love just keeps coming. it doesnt run out or stop. i'm finally starting to feel comfortable standing in front of them day in and day out... i never thought that'd be the case either.

i got a huge stack of grading done yesterday since i didnt have to get ready for today, and that was really nice. and since i'm done with the divided kingdom i dont have to write anymore lesson plans... all of my lessons on the prophets are finished. i'm only teaching two more weeks. two weeks. that's so sad, i cant believe it's gone so quickly... i dont think i'm going to like going back to columbia and normal life after this... i just have a feeling that it's not going to be something that i'll be able to settle back into very easily...
life has kept moving for the people there, and life has kept moving for me here in rock hill. it will be hard to step back into that. and away from this.
meh.

carly. here's your shout out. :)

whoa whoa. two posts? one day?

i really just want to say that i LOVE my high schoolers. really. like, a lot. they make my job really easy. and fun. and really, i dont know how i'm going to bear leaving them in four weeks. my heart is already breaking a little bit.

a clarification of sorts...

yesterday evening my facebook status said "defeated"
i did not realize how much concern would surface because of that statement!
i am not defeated. i will never be defeated (because i'm on the side that always wins... Jesus'). but, i have defeated the divided kingdom. i have taught through hundreds of years of bible history in a matter of three weeks. AWESOME. and. now i get to talk about some prophets. and hosea. oh man, i get to talk about hosea. i have been waiting for months to talk about him. and micah? heck yea.

yesterday i took some serious steps towards working past this perfectionistic cycle i've gotten myself into. today it hurt. but i think it was necessary for me to realize that i cant always have it together, and that my lesson is not always going to be the best, and sometimes my kids are just going to stare at me like i'm an idiot... it's just going to happen that way. dr. cooper came yesterday to visit and observe... she saw a seriously flawed lesson (for real. i'm not being dramatic. it was pretty awful), and was still some how able to find positive things to say about it (what?!) that encouraged me deeply. i do not always need to focus on the failures. there are successes as well... and i'm starting to think that failure is too intense of a word... i think it should be more like "learning opportunities"...

that is all.

the law of the Lord

my students have discovered my blog.

here's a shout out to my third period girls who stalk me like they're getting paid to do it ;)

i went to columbia this past weekend (so good for me), but that is why there has been no posts and a total lack of communication on my part, sorry! i'm sure you're all desperate to know what's going on here in student teaching land...
i'm over a month in (which means one month left, which is CRAZY), and i love what i'm doing. i'm attached to what i'm doing. i feel like it's a tease... i get to have a real life job and experience what my life could be like post grad school, and in a few short weeks, it's going to be snatched away from me :(
also. i do not want to leave my students. i really love being with them every day. regardless of how hard this whole thing is some days, they make it worth getting up every morning and doing this over and over again. because some of them are getting it. some of them are responding. that makes it worth while. (ok, i'll admit it. i'm attached. it will hurt a lot to say goodbye.)

today i'm talking about josiah. josiah had the worst possible circumstances and odds were incredibly against him. but he rose above, and followed the Lord. it says in chronicles that he did turn to the left or to the right, but followed the Lord of his father david. legit.
when he was restoring the temple he went around beating the junk out of false idols and high places turning them into dust, the proceeded to take the dust of those idols and spread it on the graves of the men who worshiped them. whoa. dang. josiah wasnt messing around. (when i read about that, i couldnt help but picture him in his kingly robes storming all over judah with a baseball bat...)
after he finishes with this, he moves on to restoring the temple. the temple that solomon built. the only place that God's people could go to have community with Him. the temple that was in RUINS. (these people in Judah were not in relationship with their savior. their temple was destroyed) as josiah's men begin to make their repairs, they stumble across this book... they begin to read from it and realize it's the book of the law (what?!? how do you lose something like that? i mean, it's not like you could hop in your car and head to the nearest barnes and noble and buy a new leather bound back then... THERE WAS ONLY ONE!!) when josiah heard the law of the Lord he cried out and tore his clothes. his people were not following the law, they were evil, and broke every law listed... his heart was humbled, and tender and broken. he gathered his people together and read to them from the book of the law and made a covenant right there in front of them to follow and remember the testimonies and statutes of the Lord with all of his heart and soul.

all of this to say that josiah took the word of the Lord seriously. he took his and his peoples infractions against it seriously. i feel like the bible (and especially Bible class for kids that have been in a christian school setting for their entire lives. (like me! oohh, ooh, pick me!)) becomes a check list. it becomes a text book. it becomes a number and letter grade. IT IS THE WORD OF GOD, IT IS HIS COMMUNICATION TO US. IT IS HOW WE KNOW AND LOVE HIM. why do we let it become something so mundane? so minor? why do i let it become those things? i'm supposed to be teaching this? and this is something i'm struggling with? what?

josiah, because of his action, because of his respect of the Lord, his law and his word, saved an entire nation from destruction. during his reign he was promised peace. one man. one heart that was tender and sensitive to the Lord and his words, saved Judah from impending doom.

one of my students in my third period asked me if i was just as "moved" by my lesson by the time i got to seventh bell... i wanted so badly to be able to say "yes, of course... it's the Bible." but if would have answered in that way, it would have been a lie. sometimes getting through seventh bell is a serious battle. sometimes i'm exhausted. sometimes i'm sick of saying the same things over and over again. (i do teach five times a day...) but i should be just as moved, inspired, excited... about what i have to say in seventh bell as i am in third... i should...

honesty.

honesty and transparency works wonders when youre talking about teaching high schoolers...
a little vulnerability goes a long way.
talking about my life like a did today made me a real person to them, at least i think it did. the class discussions went so well and were so much fun that in most of my classes i didnt even finish the lesson i was teaching...
it is good to be reminded of the Lords faithfulness. and it is refreshing to hear the perspectives of 90 high schoolers and how they see that the Lord is faithful to them.
part of the discussion today was talking about how we are unfaithful to the Lord, how we make idols in our lives. i dont know about you....i'm not carving any literal idols out of the tree in the back yard, but i have so many idols in my life it's hard to keep track of them most days. one kid in my 6th period responded to the question "what are idol's that you've made in your lives?" with "sleep!" how true is that? i never even thought of that, but man, sleep... i love sleep, i hardly ever get sleep, but sometimes when it comes to hitting the snooze button in the mornings instead of getting up and talking with my savior... sleep wins... too often i'm afraid. that was an incredible insight to me. for me. another responded with "cell phones!" yes. how often do we feel like we cannot function when we are separated from that little electronic device? student teaching has most certainly broken me of that habit, but that's not to say i've never made it an idol before...
my kids were with me today, they wanted to participate, they wanted to be honest, because i was honest... i LOVED that. it made me feel like a teacher. yesterday, i did not feel like a teacher.

i'm feeling really empty right now, like i've got nothing left. i'm half way through this experience. feeling empty and like i've got nothing left to give is BAD...
pray for my heart, pray for me, pray that i would continue to seek that fulfillment that my heart needs in the only place it can get it.

faithfulness, goodness, graciousness...

Today was a hard day for me. Not because of my students, and not because of anything i can list or name... i think i've just hit a wall. I'm emotionally exhausted, i'm constantly pouring into students who cant give anything back to me, and i'm not getting anything back. i cant expect to get anything back from freshmen and sophomores in high school, that would be ridiculous... i crave mature interaction that has nothing to do with student teaching, and what i can do better...
Today i finished with the northern kingdom, only a few more lessons to finish out the divided kingdom, and then i get to talk about prophets, which i am really looking forward to...

tomorrow i am doing a "debrief" day... kind of a reflection on where we've been, and where we're going. here's what i'm gonna say:

Now that we’ve finished up to the end of the Northern kingdom, I want to take a breather and spend some time reflecting and processing.

The divided kingdom is confusing. It’s broken. It’s messed up. But I think it’s really beautiful in the middle of all of that. For me, an overarching theme that we can see in play throughout this time is the Lord’s faithfulness. He is faithful to his people; he is faithful to his promises. He is faithful. I think that so often we as believers see what these Israelites are doing and how they’re acting (finding other gods to worship, forgetting about what the Lord has done for them, etc.) and we kind of look down on them, we judge them a little bit for what they’ve gotten themselves into. Would you agree with that? The more I thought about it and reflected on it, the more I realized that I AM AN ISRAELITE. Every day I forget about the Lord and his faithfulness. Every day I forget that the Lord is good and at work. Every day I need to be delivered to some extent or another. Who am I (or we) to judge them?? So often we live day-to-day and we don’t even think about the Lord. Like some of the kings we’ve talked about, we don’t think about Him or what he’s doing in and for us until we’re in a really tight spot.

When I was given the task to teach the Divided Kingdom a few different thoughts and emotions came to me:

1. I was incredibly overwhelmed. I knew (and pretty much still know…) very little about the Divided Kingdom. I promise you I’m learning just as much as you are…
2. How are a bunch of kings and confusing names and killing and scheming and death and lying and idolatry… (you get the picture…) relevant to me today? How can I possibly make it relevant to you guys??

Like I said earlier I think that the Lord and his faithfulness is an incredibly dominant theme during this time. I know that the Lord gave me this curriculum specifically because I needed to learn about his faithfulness. I needed to be reminded of his goodness. I needed to see how he keeps his promises… I haven’t always been able to see that God is faithful in my life. That’s not to say that he hasn’t always been faithful… I just had a hard time seeing it for a while… my junior year at CIU was slightly tumultuous, to say the least. In the middle of dealing with all of the things that happened during that semester, I had spent my entire fall semester in counseling, I began to struggle with depression during my sophomore year, and was going to counseling to work through that… at the end of that spring semester I was a shell of who I used to be, my roommate and that entire situation drained me beyond what I had to give, and I honestly didn’t even know who I was anymore. I seriously doubted God’s faithfulness or goodness or grace… I saw everything that I went through and I thought that there was no way that God was any of those things. I came home that summer, broken and disbelieving and empty. In July of that summer I went to counseling at my parents request at this school called Regent in Va Beach (a really big Christian University there) and began to work through that brokenness and emptiness...

Have any of you seen Invention of Lying? This is NOT a recommendation to go out and watch it, by any means, but there was one part that really got my attention…

Some background: the movie is about a society that does not lie, not any kind of lying, in fact, they don’t even know what a lie is. It follows the main character (who is played by Ricky Gervais) and shows how he is actually the first person to ever tell a lie; and since no one even knows what a lie is, they have no choice but to believe everything he says…

In on scene, his mother is on her death bed, and scared of death and life just ending, so Ricky makes up this place that she will go after she dies, where everyone gets a mansion and everything is happy… when people hear of this place they begin to ask how they can get there, so Ricky makes up some more lies… he starts off by saying that there is this “Big Guy in the Sky” who controls everything, someone immediately counters this statement by asking “so does he make all the bad things happen??” Ricky replies by saying “Well, yes… but he makes the good things happen too…”

How many times do we think of God like this? Some big guy in the sky?

How do you think of God?

Do you think of him as “The Big Guy in the Sky”?

Do you know that God desires more than that from us? With us?

I’m sure you “know” that, but do you believe it? Do you pursue him like it true?

I went to counseling for the rest of the summer, and decided not to go back to CIU for the fall semester of my senior year. I needed time to breathe, I needed time to recover, I needed time to recognize the Lords faithfulness, goodness and grace in my life.

I know for a fact now, in retrospect, that the brokenness that the Lord brought into my life, was in fact him being faithful to me, I’ve learned and grown so much through that time in my life, I can honestly say I would never take it back, or trade it for anything…

How has the Lord been good/faithful/gracious to you?

How was he all of those things to the Israelites?

Can you see any other themes throughout this time?

I have to say that my brokenness is nothing in comparison to that which we’ve seen in what we’ve covered thus far, and it is encouraging to me to see that he’s faithful to these kings and to the promises he’s made to them.

In Isaiah 30:18, it says that the Lord LONGS to be gracious to us…

How is the Lord gracious, good, faithful… to you?

the performing art of teaching...

first, i have an announcement: I KNOW ALL OF MY KIDS NAMES!!!
phew, that was a serious accomplishment. it makes teaching a lot easier when you know your students names... just sayin.
now... onward.
Dr. C came to visit me on friday, and she observed my first two classes, which are two of my better classes these days, the students are so relational and easy to teach to. but Dr. C told me something that really rocked me after i was done... she said that regardless of the students i have in each class, they all deserve the same lesson, they all deserve the same enthusiasm and interaction. just because they dont interact back, i dont have to let them control the whole dynamic of the class. wow. i NEVER realized that i didnt have to let my students dominate that aspect of teaching. ridiculous, i know. but i really never thought of that... so i went into my next period... which is definitely one that i have a harder time with, determined to give them all that i have my first two classes... and what do you know, it worked! it was so encouraging, it was one of the first times i walked out of that class actually feeling encouraged.
at the end of the day billy told me it was my best day yet, which was so good to hear, and dr. c was so encouraging as well. it's cool that she gets to come every week and see how things change from that perspective.

one more thing i realized; i am a perfectionist to the core. moreso than i ever thought possible.
a problem with being a perfectionist AND a teacher?? there is no such thing as a perfect teacher. no matter how much i work towards it i will never achieve perfection. i leave every day thinking about a million things i can do better and change. i leave defeated. it's a vicious cycle. and scary. and something i need to figure out how to get out of. i'm working on it...

i also realized that this perfectionistic mindset has so much to do with my own personal struggles and walk with Jesus. i know that i'll never be perfect. i'll never live up to the law. but that's why there is Jesus in the first place. i dont have to live up to the law because HE DID. it's already done. i look at myself and see ugly brokenness and worthlessness, and i know i dont deserve his sacrifice. i work towards making myself better (and perfect) when Jesus has already accepted me with all of my flaws. this in no way excuses me from sanctification in its entirety, but praise the Lord for GRACE! amen? the struggle inside of me, the hatred of that sin and ugliness is proof of my sanctification progress, and for that i am incredibly grateful... there is progress.

whoa dang long post. sorry :)

also... this is what i've been doing for the past 5 hours straight:

lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of grading...

you can call me j-baller.

my second period class gave me a gangster nickname today, because i hate being called miss jones so much. they decided on j-baller.
i'm really loving my second period class, which is funny and awesome all at the same time. the first week i was convinced they were going to be the hardest class for me to get through, but it just took letting them get to know me and getting to know them. knowing your students improves your teaching so much more than i thought it did... it's incredible.

after tomorrow i will have completed three weeks. i have six weeks left, and only four more weeks of content lessons. i cannot believe how quickly this time has gone by. this is the most challenging thing i have ever done in my life. every day i walk away thinking i cant possibly learn or grow anymore, my heart cant possibly expand any more, and every day, it does. and i love it.

today we talked about uzziah, and his issue with pride. he was the king who experienced great fame and success, because the Lord was with him... then he got arrogant. he tried to go into the temple and burn incense, which is a job only meant for priests to do. the Lord struck him with leprosy. his pride was his downfall.
C.S. Lewis says that pride leads to every other vice, that a man that struggles and deals with pride cannot possibly know God. that is such a MONUMENTAL statement. if you struggle with pride, raise your hand. (ummm, me, yup. my hand is raised... and i'm pretty sure that if youre not raising your hand, youre either to prideful to do so, or just lying to yourself)
if you struggle with pride you cant possibly know God??? wow. that hit home to me. and it was so cool to see my students struggle and wrestle with that as well. it invoked a lot of awesome discussion. some of us may not struggle to the same extent or degree as uzziah did in his life, i mean... i've never been struck with leprosy, but i have certainly suffered other consequences from my pride...

i finished writing my test tonight. i'll review on monday, and give it to them on tuesday!
dr. c is visiting tomorrow. i'm wicked excited to see her. definitely.
praise the Lord it's the weekend. i need some serious sleep action.

repercussions.

so i get stalked on facebook, pretty much on a daily basis. part of the joys of teaching and hanging out with almost 90 freshmen and sophomores in highschool :)
so... if any of you are on my facebook, post on my facebook, have pictures on my facebook... odds are you've been a topic of conversation in some of my classes...

today was a hard day... i had to punish one of my students, there had to repercussions... i hated it actually... my students have been pushing me, trying to find their boundaries. the hard part about that is that i dont think i even really know what their boundaries are.

i started writing my test today, and i'm anxious to give it. i want to see what my students have learned, i want to see if i've been teaching effectively. hopefully i have.

i'm exhausted. this week has been hard. pray for energy, pray for rest, pray for guidance, pray for favor. i need all of those things. desperately.

ahhhh, seventh bell.

i'm on week three...
that's just crazy to me, this new life has become routine, and i'm adjusting to the demands of it's schedule. i go to bed at 930... i'm pretty sure that's before even my parents are in bed. i'm up before 6 every morning, at school by seven. and i love it. i love the life that i have right now. i love hanging out with my kids every day, and i love how much they challenge me. i think the Lord was incredibly gracious in giving me a seventh bell that i LOVE. it makes it much easier to leave and come back every day.

in the absence of being around people that know me and love me well, the Lord is being ridiculously good to my heart and loving on me constantly, and for that i am incredibly grateful.

I think it's ironic that i'm the teacher in this scenario... i'm pretty sure i'm learning more than most of my students on a daily basis, my mind and heart are on overload 90 percent of the time. i cant journal fast enough half of the time.

today was the first day that i felt entirely comfortable. i knew what needed to be done, and i ran my classroom, it was a nice change. obviously there is always more to be done and thigs to be done better, but i feel like i'm headed in the right direction. i cant imagine what this blog will look like seven weeks from now...

i'm giving my first test a week from today (yikes!) i'm nervous, mostly because i hate when my students dont do well... and if they dont do well it probably has a great deal to do with me not teaching effectively... so pray that everything goes over smoothly this next week!!

lessons learned... eh. kind of.

hmmmm.

yesterday i talked a lot about confidence. about finding confidence in Jesus Christ and acting boldly in that. as humans that are broken, depraved and generally just messed up, we have a tendency to look for and find our confidence (or acceptance, love, satisfaction, etc.) in the things and people around us, or the things that we accomplish. what happens when you lose the people around you that you find those things in? what happens when the things and people you look for that confidence in shift and move and change? (they are human afterall, and just as broken as you are, it's guaranteed to happen). when we find ourselves lacking confidence, really we should ask ourselves where our confidence is coming from, because if it's in Jesus Christ, he doesnt move. he doesnt shift. he doesnt change. he cant possibly love us any more than he already does. why are we constantly looking for what we need in places it cant be found? if we're not careful we can lose ourselves in the midst of trying to find ourselves...

funny how i taught that five different times yesterday and i'm still figuring out how to apply it to myself...


every day at the end of the lesson i have my students do this thing called "food for thought" i just have them reflect on the lesson, share some of their thoughts...a mini journal kind of...
yesterday i collected them and read over some of them from the last week... i was so encouraged that despite my lack of communication and teaching abilities the Lord still speaks. a lot of my students took His principles to heart, applied them and wrestled with them. i loved that. i know that i have nothing good to say apart from Jesus, and he's showing me that more and more these days...

and... i'm in.

This was posted by one of my students on another one of my students facebook walls:

Meagan McCamy elise, i just found something epic.
i was creepin on miss jones' pictures, & there's one of her dorm room.
& above her bed, there are not one, but two, HARRY POTTER POSTERS.
just thought i'd let you know.

i'm offically  accepted and loved by my students... it just took some harry potter action... if only i knew that two weeks ago... :)

Today was a hard day, i'm exhausted and i'm sick, and i miss my friends.

really i just miss people that really know me, i miss not always having to be "on" if you know what i mean. i miss sitting on sarah brubakers couch in founders and just being able to sit. not having to make conversation or worry about being awkward. sometimes (more than sometimes these days thanks to sarah) i really just like being quiet, and being still...

other than that the lesson went well... i think. some of my classes are really testing me, trying to find their boundaries, which is frustrating because i dont even know what their boundaries are or should be... hopefully i'll figure it out soon, because saying "shhhhhh" or "please be quiet!" after every two or three sentences is getting a little old. :)

do hard things.

today in my lesson i talked about my friend aimee.
aimee was killed in a car accident three weeks ago.
aimee lived an incredible life, she loved Jesus and she loved people.
if you went to her memorial service, you did not leave without knowing this about her.

there was a king in the southern kingdom who's name was Jehoram, the Bible doesnt say much about him, other than at his death he "passed to no one's regret." no one cared about his dying, no one mourned the loss of him in their lives.

aimee lived a life that was worth mourning. she lived a life that touched people. probably moreso than she even realized. at her memorial service people were standing in the back and sitting in the aisles to show their deep regrets of losing her as a part of their lives. a live feed of her memorial service was viewed in over six different countries. aimee lived a life worth remembering. worth talking about. a life on the complete opposite end of the spectrum of jehoram's life.

it was hard. it was necessary. it was what the Lord gave me to say. so i said it.


today i also learned a lot about discipline. and how awful i am at it. every day there is something that i realize i need to improve on, there is something i can do better...

far from perfection...

today i connected with my students in a better way than i have ever before. it was awesome, i loved it, and it made me want to teach even more.
dr. cooper came to visit and observe me today, i was so excited that she was there that it completely overshadowed being nervous.
i'm learning more and more that there will always be things to improve on, and for a perfectionist this is an incredibly hard thing to learn... i want everything to be right, every time. but the thing about teaching is that every lesson is different. depending on who you teach to, the dynamic and reception of each lesson is different. i love and hate this all at the same time. it definitely keeps things interesting.
tomorrow i'm going to share some really personal stories about my life and how they relate to the lesson i'm presenting... pray that it is well recepted and that my students come away with a better picture of who i am and why i'm here.

"and then...and then...and then..."

i HATE teaching strictly content lessons. i'm really bad at it, and i feel like i sound like that chinese lady from dude where's my car... "Elisha did this, and then he did this, and then he did this, and then he talked to these people, and then he healed this person..." ugh.
i'm so used to teaching in field ed classes, which are far more principle based, the adjustment and balance between the two is so difficult for me right now. (i'm teaching a highschool survey class)
i tried my best to squeeze principles in the middle of those things, but it was so much harder than i thought it would be... i taught through 9 chapters of 2 kings today, strictly covering Elisha and his ministry, and i didnt even finish. i have to talk about him again tomorrow... meh.
Dr. C is coming to visit tomorrow, and i'm actually really excited about it, i miss ciu, and i miss seeing her every day. she's not observing me until the afternoon, which i am so thankful for because i'm so much more comfortable by the end of the day.
i can feel my students start to open up to me and talk with me, and i really love it, i'm getting to know them and how to interact with them, and it makes this whole thing so much more fun.
billy (my cooperating teacher) told me today that i have a good "teacher voice" i'm not sure exactly what that means, but it sounds so legit to me, i'll take it.
tomorrow i'm giving my first quiz. weird. and exhilarating all at the same time. i can feel the power. muahahahaha...

 

This is my trailer... i mean "module" :)

"don't forget about your memory verse next week!!"

today was my first content lesson, i taught about jehoshaphat in the southern kingdom, and man... it was weird! i've never taught a lesson more than once, so after my first period when all of my students left and a whole new set of students poured into my class it was a little surreal, setting up and starting all over again. i definitely got more comfortable as the day went on. i feel awful for my first and last periods... i feel like they both get the worst ends of the stick. the first i'm just getting into it, and by the last i'm so tired of saying the same things over and over again that i'm just fighting to get through the lesson. it's funny (and a little frustrating) how each class and their dynamic completely changes my lesson. even though i'm teaching the exact same thing, my lesson changes drastically from class to class... it's interesting. i'm really wanting to get past this awkward getting to know them stage. i want to know them well so that i can teach them well, and i wish i could just get there.
regardless, i'm loving this time, i'm loving how much i'm learning, and how much the Lord is growing me and my heart. i didn't think i would, but the Lord is good, and sovereign. he brought me here and has work to do through me... i'm more than willing to stand in front of 5 classes full of high schoolers to see what he's doing.

ps: reminding students of homework and assignments as their leaving my class is the weirdest feeling ever... it's like i'm a real life teacher...

pray: i'm struggling with lonliness right now... pray for my heart, that i would continue to seek the Lord for all comfort and satisfaction during this time. i need him, and every day i become more aware of my desperate brokenness and desire for his fulfillment.

"uhh, hi... i'm miss jones?" (internal cringe)

today i stood in front of a class... took role... called myself "miss jones"(ugh)... met 90ish 9th and 10th graders that are going to be mine for the next 9 weeks... i met 90ish strangers, and immediately felt my heart overflowing with love for them. love that couldnt have possibly come from inside of me. i want so badly for them to know and love Jesus to a deeper and greater capacity through out these nine weeks.

today was an introduction lesson, and i enjoyed so much getting to know my students, i'm looking forward to knowing and loving them better, and teaching better because of it.

and to leave you; a quote i heard from one of my students today: (i think i may write a book at the end of these nine weeks, filled with quotes from 9th and 10th graders...)

in reference to a questionaire that asked "what would you do with a million dollars??"
"well, i would definitely give some of it to like... homeless people. well, maybe not all homeless people, because some of them would like totally use it to buy like...drugs."

:) high schoolers. gotta love them.

some things i've learned...

• Copy machines hate me. for real. they are all out to get me.
• i never want to go back to high school. i love teaching high schoolers, but you will never talk me into going back to high school.
• things that you used to think were awesome as students (i.e. announcements taking fifteen minutes in the mornings during your least favorite period, or getting out wicked early for your basketball game...) not so awesome when youre a teacher.
• 13, 14 and 15 year old girls are the most dramatic beings on this planet. i guarantee it.
• i love the Bible. i love it more every day. maybe even every hour.
• being a teacher is far more emotionally and physically exhausting than i ever imagined it would be.
• no matter what time i go to bed at night, i'll never ever want to get up before six o'clock in the morning. it's just ungodly that there are professions out there that require this of you.

i'm teaching my first legit lesson in the morning. as of 8 am i am in charge of almost 100 9th and 10th graders for the next 9 weeks.  PRAY.

anxiety free? really? i like it...

i feel like i should be a lot more overwhelmed than i actually am... it's been a long day, and i'm tired. but i'm not nervous, or anxious. i'm excited. which is incredible, because that's exactly what my prayer has been since this adventure started. i met all of my students today, and i'm so surprised at how much and how well they love Jesus. I went to private christian school my whole life, with other kids who did the same, and they (myself included) did not have anywhere near the same concept of an actual relationship with Jesus Christ as it seems my students do. i'm so looking forward to getting to share my heart with them, and learn how to love them. i'm anxious to see how the Lord changes and grows my heart throughout this experience.