i just taught my last lesson...
ouch. my heart hurt just typing that.
this is my last week of student teaching.
ouch.
today i talked about jeremiah...
talk about overwhelming. so much good stuff. one day? how?
we all have plans, we have an idea of what our life will look like...
for example; in the next six months i would like to be done with grad school, i would love to have a job, a place to live, etc...
in the next four or five years; i would love to be overseas somewhere. africa maybe. or china. maybe even indonesia. ive thought about all three, that's for sure. i want to be teaching, i want to have a good chunk of my loans paid off, maybe even married...
we make plans, we have goals. imagine one day God calls you up and says... "hey, i know you have these plans and stuff... but i have other ideas for you. actually, i'd like you to have no money, be alone and lonely, and preach some things that sound really crazy to people who wont really listen to you anyways..."
i'm not saying that Jeremiah's plans were anything like yours or mine. and i can't even say necessarily that he had any plans at all, but it is hard for me to imagine otherwise... we all make them, even if we dont realize it... and Jeremiah's call and his response to it makes me think this...
when the Lord tells him what he has for him Jeremiah responds with what we would all respond with... "BUT!!!"
but... i am young!
but... i am nothing!
but... what will i say!
but... but... but...
we all have a million "buts..."
later in Jeremiah 11 God tells him exactly what his message is to be. When the Israelites left Egypt the Lord gave them commands (the ten commandments, to get specific) and he made a covenant with them. "Keep these. Don't kill, don't lie, don't covet... I promise you a land flowing with milk and honey, i promise you prosperity, i promise you LIFE, in me."
obviously at this point, the Israelites have done a piss poor job of keeping these commandments, of loving the Lord and following the law... that's why theyre in the place that they are... they've ignored the Lord, they've ignored the law, and they are ruining the covenant that the Lord has given them. but Jeremiah has seen the Lords GRACE. he has seen the Lords MERCY. he as seen his GOODNESS. He saw Josiah's reign, he saw Manasseh's repentance, he's seen the Lord deliver his people, and he is calling out to them, reminding them of the Lords promises and commands... most people see Jeremiah as a prophet who's message is doom and gloom. but i think Jeremiah saw a lot of HOPE.
in the beginning Jeremiah starts with "BUT!!!"
and then....
then!
Jeremiah 20:9
"If I say, "I will not mention him, or speak any more in his name," there is in my heart as it were a burning fire shut up in my bones, and I am weary with holding it in, and I cannot."
he is so overwhelmed by his message. he is so moved by what the Lord has given him to say, that he might EXPLODE if he doesnt share it.
do i wake up at 530 every morning exlpoding to get to school in order to share what the Lord has given me to teach my students... not every day. which makes me so very sad...
do i grow weary with NOT being able to share Him?
do you? do you seize every opportunity to spread His name?
Monday, March 29, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
up...down...back...forth...around...
first... school with no kids = no fun. none at all.
today i had to submit all of my grades, and THAT was weird.
none of my kids failed! :) praise the Lord.
last week was the first week in months that i didnt have anything to do... no studying 5 hours a day, no teaching 6 hours a day... nothing. it was different.
because of the forced hiatus from teaching, i spent a lot of time thinking. a lot of time being still... and that was really hard for me.
the past two months have literally been a roller coaster of emotions. and i'm incredibly slow when it comes to processing things like this... i'm not a verbal processor. at all. (hence, the blog :)
so, the combination of me being slow, and the past three months being INSANE, resulted in this past week being really really hard.
i'm leaving rock hill in less than a week. that's hard.
i'm scared to come back to columbia. that's hard.
i want to do this for the rest of my life, and i dont know if that's going to happen for me right now. that's hard.
i'm beyond attached to my students. i love them. and i'm leaving them. that's hard.
i've changed a lot. my heart has changed, my life has been changed, and i dont know how to put that change into words. that's hard.
leaving rock hill and my students are rather obvious... but being scared to come back to columbia is not something i ever expected to happen. in the beginning i counted down days until this was over. until i could be back. until i could be done. but now i'm scared to step back into a life that's not really mine anymore. i've led a completely separate life for the past two months. a life that i love. a life that i want to keep living, until God doesnt let me anymore. my heart aches at the thought of leaving it, and coming back into another. one that isnt really all that bad, that i loved for a good portion of the past five years, but one that i dont need anymore, one that i dont fit into anymore. or maybe that's why i'm scared... because i dont think that i'll fit. but maybe i will. maybe...
the way my heart feels right now... there are no words.
today i had to submit all of my grades, and THAT was weird.
none of my kids failed! :) praise the Lord.
last week was the first week in months that i didnt have anything to do... no studying 5 hours a day, no teaching 6 hours a day... nothing. it was different.
because of the forced hiatus from teaching, i spent a lot of time thinking. a lot of time being still... and that was really hard for me.
the past two months have literally been a roller coaster of emotions. and i'm incredibly slow when it comes to processing things like this... i'm not a verbal processor. at all. (hence, the blog :)
so, the combination of me being slow, and the past three months being INSANE, resulted in this past week being really really hard.
i'm leaving rock hill in less than a week. that's hard.
i'm scared to come back to columbia. that's hard.
i want to do this for the rest of my life, and i dont know if that's going to happen for me right now. that's hard.
i'm beyond attached to my students. i love them. and i'm leaving them. that's hard.
i've changed a lot. my heart has changed, my life has been changed, and i dont know how to put that change into words. that's hard.
leaving rock hill and my students are rather obvious... but being scared to come back to columbia is not something i ever expected to happen. in the beginning i counted down days until this was over. until i could be back. until i could be done. but now i'm scared to step back into a life that's not really mine anymore. i've led a completely separate life for the past two months. a life that i love. a life that i want to keep living, until God doesnt let me anymore. my heart aches at the thought of leaving it, and coming back into another. one that isnt really all that bad, that i loved for a good portion of the past five years, but one that i dont need anymore, one that i dont fit into anymore. or maybe that's why i'm scared... because i dont think that i'll fit. but maybe i will. maybe...
the way my heart feels right now... there are no words.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
i never wanted to be in the circus...
life as a student teacher is kind of like a balancing act...
balancing time; time to write lessons, time to grade papers, time to rest, time to get ready, time to get to school, time to leave school...
balancing people; your students, how much you let them in, how much you give to them, your cooperating teacher, letting them pour into you, letting them know you so that they can help you.
your host family, knowing how to fit them in with all of the other things youre already juggling around... your friends back at ciu, keeping them updated, and involved even from an hour and a completely different life away... your family, wherever they may be. regardless of where i live i will always be a jones, and they (the rest of those jones') want to stay informed as well, and i want them informed.
it's not even just about me, and keeping them updated on me... but i would love to know about them (as we've already covered, i love knowing my students), and i love knowing my friends in columbia, and i love knowing my family...
all of this to say... i'm not such a talented juggler... i am very easily wrapped up and distracted in the here and now. my students are who i see every day, and honestly, they get a majority of my heart. my lessons are what i do every day, so they get a majority of my time during the week. grading and studying comes along with that territory... i live with my host family (obviously) so i see and interact with them daily as well... billy observes and watches me teach every day, he gets a lot of my attention... because he can actually help me get better!
i'm starting to feel disconnected to things that were incredibly important to me two months ago, and it's making my heart hurt... and a little confused. because i am incredibly happy and content with where i am, but i long for columbia and home all at the same time...
how human of me to long for the things in this world that make me comfortable and happy all in the same place...
i think this goes back to what i said a few blogs back... in my heart, i need to learn to differentiate the loving Jesus well over the loving others well... because as i learn to love Jesus well, i will stop looking for that feeling of contentedness in other places... and the balancing act will fade, he is it. he is everything. there is no balancing. just Jesus.
balancing time; time to write lessons, time to grade papers, time to rest, time to get ready, time to get to school, time to leave school...
balancing people; your students, how much you let them in, how much you give to them, your cooperating teacher, letting them pour into you, letting them know you so that they can help you.
your host family, knowing how to fit them in with all of the other things youre already juggling around... your friends back at ciu, keeping them updated, and involved even from an hour and a completely different life away... your family, wherever they may be. regardless of where i live i will always be a jones, and they (the rest of those jones') want to stay informed as well, and i want them informed.
it's not even just about me, and keeping them updated on me... but i would love to know about them (as we've already covered, i love knowing my students), and i love knowing my friends in columbia, and i love knowing my family...
all of this to say... i'm not such a talented juggler... i am very easily wrapped up and distracted in the here and now. my students are who i see every day, and honestly, they get a majority of my heart. my lessons are what i do every day, so they get a majority of my time during the week. grading and studying comes along with that territory... i live with my host family (obviously) so i see and interact with them daily as well... billy observes and watches me teach every day, he gets a lot of my attention... because he can actually help me get better!
i'm starting to feel disconnected to things that were incredibly important to me two months ago, and it's making my heart hurt... and a little confused. because i am incredibly happy and content with where i am, but i long for columbia and home all at the same time...
how human of me to long for the things in this world that make me comfortable and happy all in the same place...
i think this goes back to what i said a few blogs back... in my heart, i need to learn to differentiate the loving Jesus well over the loving others well... because as i learn to love Jesus well, i will stop looking for that feeling of contentedness in other places... and the balancing act will fade, he is it. he is everything. there is no balancing. just Jesus.
Monday, March 22, 2010
love? again? really?
i've been using the word "love" a lot lately... i "love" student teaching, i "love" my students, i "love" my Savior...
words mean something. in the past, i was incredibly careful with my words. it was hard for me to say "i love you" to anyone outside of my family really. that's not to say that when i say it now, i dont really mean it, that's definitely not what i'm getting at. but i think that an analogy dr. cooper gave us student teachers as we were starting this journey kind of fits here, so i'm going to tweak it to my liking to try to help explain myself :)
since i've come to CIU, and really, since i've begun to grow up. spiritually, physically, mentally... all of the above, i have gained a fuller realization of the love my savior has for me, and how consistently and graciously he's given it... so, when i say "i love..." i am realizing more and more what that actually means, i'm realizing the weight of that statement, i'm realizing that i do not love to the capacity that i know. in the chart, it shows that my knowledge of love (Godly, Agape, Christ-like love) has grown exponentially... which is awesome. knowing about my saviors love for me... incredible. i also know that this is the kind of love that he's called me to...as someone who is following him and wanting to be more like him, this is a reasonable thing... to want to love in the same way that i am being loved... as you can see in that chart... while i AM progressing... the more i progress, the more i realize and learn about His love for me, the two lines keep escalating... and sometimes one or the other escalates (more often it is the knowledge line that escalates, rather than the ability...unfortunately) to an extreme degree, and i feel like i'll never balance out. but i'm thinking that that is the whole point! why would we devote an entire lifetime to serving a God that we could eventually figure out? he wouldnt be God, and he wouldnt be worthy of that kind of servitude/adoration/love/commitment... if we could figure everything out about Him... right?
all of that to say, that sincerely, i am in Love with what i am doing (teaching the Bible, teaching in general, studying the word, gaining knowledge about my savior), and i am in Love with 90 high schoolers... but there is so much love in my heart for these things... too much. because Nicole Jones is selfish, and self-centered, and would rather sleep and watch tv than study, and would rather be in a place that is familiar and comfortable, and with close friends... but JESUS. Jesus in me is exploding with love for this experience. Jesus in me keeps me up at night wondering and thinking and praying about my students... Jesus in me wants more knowledge on what i'm studying so that i might actually be effective and say something worthwhile... something worth listening to me. praise the Lord that i am no longer a slave to myself, to my selfishness, to my self-centered heart. JESUS has conquered those things, and as long as i let him, he reigns in me. and for that i am incredibly thankful.
sorry... that was kind of random...
:)
words mean something. in the past, i was incredibly careful with my words. it was hard for me to say "i love you" to anyone outside of my family really. that's not to say that when i say it now, i dont really mean it, that's definitely not what i'm getting at. but i think that an analogy dr. cooper gave us student teachers as we were starting this journey kind of fits here, so i'm going to tweak it to my liking to try to help explain myself :)
all of that to say, that sincerely, i am in Love with what i am doing (teaching the Bible, teaching in general, studying the word, gaining knowledge about my savior), and i am in Love with 90 high schoolers... but there is so much love in my heart for these things... too much. because Nicole Jones is selfish, and self-centered, and would rather sleep and watch tv than study, and would rather be in a place that is familiar and comfortable, and with close friends... but JESUS. Jesus in me is exploding with love for this experience. Jesus in me keeps me up at night wondering and thinking and praying about my students... Jesus in me wants more knowledge on what i'm studying so that i might actually be effective and say something worthwhile... something worth listening to me. praise the Lord that i am no longer a slave to myself, to my selfishness, to my self-centered heart. JESUS has conquered those things, and as long as i let him, he reigns in me. and for that i am incredibly thankful.
sorry... that was kind of random...
:)
Sunday, March 21, 2010
momma. moving. and COPS.
today has been eventful... and a little bit crazy.
my mom came down to charlotte to hang out with me and celebrate my bday with me (dont worry, you havent missed it yet, i'm still one week shy of 24... phew) we spent most of today running from place to place. i showed her my classroom and school, we went shopping and to lunch, she met my "host mom" and saw the houses i've lived in (yes, houses... dont worry, i'll get to that part.) we went to see my girls play some soccer and kick some york bottom. i LOVE watching my kids play sports. it's like i'm a proud mom or something. i'm so proud of them while i'm watching... crazy.
after that i dropped my mom back in charlotte because she had to get home (sad... only 24 hours with her, and it was the first time i'd seen her since the end of december... ohhh being a grown up, i dont know how i feel about you...)
then i proceeded to my favorite and least favorite place in all of rock hill... books-a-million of course :) and spent the remainder of my saturday grading tests. the life of a teacher, now that... i can get used to :)
an explanation; part of student teaching is that dr. cooper places all of us with a "host family" to live with for the duration of our teaching time. i started off living with another student teacher and her host family for my first week in Rock Hill, then, i moved in with my host family (a single woman, sheri, and her adopted (from china) daughter, anna) the house that sheri and anna were living in was a rental, so sheri just bought a new house... in the middle of all of the moving, my mom was in town, so i didnt get to the new house to move my stuff in until literally about an hour ago... there was some sort of misunderstanding with when i would get back from charlotte and from being with my mom, so when sheri heard me moving all of my stuff into the house she got scared and called the cops! they showed up at the house while i was in the middle of unpacking my suitcase... scary.
everything is cleared up now... obviously. but man... long and eventful night!
i've got two weeks left with my kids, which hurts my heart more than i can even begin to say. my sophomores are in DC for the week, so it's just me and the freshmen this week... billy, my cooperating teacher, is going on the dc trip too, so i'm pretty sure i'm going to be legitimately alone this week. weird. i'm not teaching any more lessons (which makes me ridiculously sad), but i'll try my best to keep this updated with what i'm learning still... i'm sure that what i'm learning wont slow down in the least bit even though i'm not teaching anymore... it just might be about different types of things...
tomorrow (hopefully) i'm taking some of my girls out to dinner to hang out with them and spend some time with them before i leave, and i'm really looking forward to that!
this week is a three day week, and then thur and fri are teacher work days (weird that i actually have to go in for those... used to be a free day off... not anymore!)
my mom came down to charlotte to hang out with me and celebrate my bday with me (dont worry, you havent missed it yet, i'm still one week shy of 24... phew) we spent most of today running from place to place. i showed her my classroom and school, we went shopping and to lunch, she met my "host mom" and saw the houses i've lived in (yes, houses... dont worry, i'll get to that part.) we went to see my girls play some soccer and kick some york bottom. i LOVE watching my kids play sports. it's like i'm a proud mom or something. i'm so proud of them while i'm watching... crazy.
after that i dropped my mom back in charlotte because she had to get home (sad... only 24 hours with her, and it was the first time i'd seen her since the end of december... ohhh being a grown up, i dont know how i feel about you...)
then i proceeded to my favorite and least favorite place in all of rock hill... books-a-million of course :) and spent the remainder of my saturday grading tests. the life of a teacher, now that... i can get used to :)
an explanation; part of student teaching is that dr. cooper places all of us with a "host family" to live with for the duration of our teaching time. i started off living with another student teacher and her host family for my first week in Rock Hill, then, i moved in with my host family (a single woman, sheri, and her adopted (from china) daughter, anna) the house that sheri and anna were living in was a rental, so sheri just bought a new house... in the middle of all of the moving, my mom was in town, so i didnt get to the new house to move my stuff in until literally about an hour ago... there was some sort of misunderstanding with when i would get back from charlotte and from being with my mom, so when sheri heard me moving all of my stuff into the house she got scared and called the cops! they showed up at the house while i was in the middle of unpacking my suitcase... scary.
everything is cleared up now... obviously. but man... long and eventful night!
i've got two weeks left with my kids, which hurts my heart more than i can even begin to say. my sophomores are in DC for the week, so it's just me and the freshmen this week... billy, my cooperating teacher, is going on the dc trip too, so i'm pretty sure i'm going to be legitimately alone this week. weird. i'm not teaching any more lessons (which makes me ridiculously sad), but i'll try my best to keep this updated with what i'm learning still... i'm sure that what i'm learning wont slow down in the least bit even though i'm not teaching anymore... it just might be about different types of things...
tomorrow (hopefully) i'm taking some of my girls out to dinner to hang out with them and spend some time with them before i leave, and i'm really looking forward to that!
this week is a three day week, and then thur and fri are teacher work days (weird that i actually have to go in for those... used to be a free day off... not anymore!)
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
heart check
so i havent really felt like updating recently... mostly because my last post was SO selfish and self-centered... i didnt know how to come back and sweep up that mess... so i've avoided it...
shame.
shame on me.
shame on me for making my teaching experience wrapped up in my relational experiences as opposed to making it about bringing glory to my Savior.
even if i walked into a classroom full of people who relentlessly hated me... that is NOT WHY I'M HERE.
yes. i love that part of teaching. i love loving my students. but if i'm not loving them to bring glory to Jesus, but only for some sort of self fulfillment... then shame. shame on me.
I just found these notes i took on a lecture that Dr. C gave right before all of the student teachers left to go their separate ways (it was an INTENSE talk, for real)
in it, she challenged us to be willing to give up our own personal needs and desires for the privilege of teaching the Gospel to my students. She challenged us by saying that our primary purpose in life should be loving Jesus, which if we love Jesus well, we can love our students well... makes sense.
obviously i love Jesus. he is the only reason i'm doing what i'm doing... but i think i got a little too wrapped up in being able to love my students well, that i lost sight of that original goal. if i'm not focused on loving Jesus well, then my love gets selfish. and self-centered. ummmm, guilty. yup. that's me.
paul loved his brothers so much that he said this:
"For I could wish that I myself were accursed and cut off from Christ for the sake of my brothers, my kinsmen according to the flesh."
WHAT?! do i love my brothers and sisters that much?? so much that i would cut myself off from Christ for their gain??
heart check.
not even just the people that i actually like... everyone. time out. everyone?
heart check.
paul talks constantly about what he is giving up for the sake of the Gospel and for loving his brothers (1 Corinthians 8:13)... am i giving up anything? am i willing to give anything up? why am i two weeks away from being finished with this experience and just now realizing this?!
Paul streamlined his life driven, clear purpose... the issue here isnt really about what i'm willing to give up so much as it is KNOWING why i'm here. not a "calling" or anything like that. i am here solely to love God, and bring him glory...regardless of what i'm actually doing, that should be my purpose.
Paul suffered. Paul knew the purpose in his suffering. How could he be so free in the midst of it? because for Paul, to LIVE was Christ... to die was GAIN (Philipians 1:21) what an incredible mind-set and heart... to live is Christ... is my life Christ? is yours? would other people think so?
today i talked with my students about Habakkuk.
Habakkuk had nothing to be happy or joyful about.
the nation around him was broken, evil and everything that is opposite of thriving. (Hab 3:16-17)
but Habakkuk decides to respond with joy. he finds is joy in the Lord. the only place that it can possibly be found and untouched by his wretched surroundings.
i feel like that can be so tricky though...
teacher: well... Habakkuk found his joy in the Lord... so you should too!
student: ok, i'll check it off on my check list, hard times are coming, i just find joy in the Lord.
BUT HOW?!?
it's not just a coke dispenser, that you can walk up to push a button and bam, there's your free refill on joy...
yes, his love for us is unlimited, yes if we find out joy in him, it is unwavering and always there, yes, the Lord doesnt move or change, so our joy can be in the same place always... but HOW DO WE GET THERE??
we beg for it. we pray for it. we fall on our knees in front of a gracious and merciful savior and plead for His joy to fill us, to consume us. we read His word, we surround ourselves with people who have it...
I shared this with my students today;
I shared a lot with you guys about my own struggle with depression a few weeks ago… the root of that struggle… I found out, was my wanting to find, my love, my acceptance, my JOY in the circumstances and the people around me. You’ll find out soon enough when you graduate and go on to college, but things start changing really fast in college, people come, people go, you make new friends every week it feels like sometimes… so you can imagine what that felt like for me, as I was trying to define myself and find my joy by my surroundings, when my surroundings felt like a whirlwind… I can tell you from experience, that there is no joy in that. There is a lot of hurt. There is a lot of confusion. There is a lot of pain. No joy… It is incredibly ironic to me, that the one place that we can constantly go to for love, joy acceptance… all of those things, is the one place we are never looking for it. The Lord doesn’t move, He doesn’t change, His love for us doesn’t change either… I know that, but I don’t live in it sometimes. In the midst of a whirlwind of change and brokenness Habakkuk was able to hold on to that truth, and was able to have real joy.
when i left CIU and decided to stay home, i didnt know how to find joy. sincerely. but you better believe that i spent a lot of time before my Father, on my knees begging for it. i spent a lot of time around people who had it. i spent a lot of time reading his word looking for it...
Where is your joy? is it in your family? your friends? in what you do? what you achieve? what youre surrounding yourself with?
heart check.
shame.
shame on me.
shame on me for making my teaching experience wrapped up in my relational experiences as opposed to making it about bringing glory to my Savior.
even if i walked into a classroom full of people who relentlessly hated me... that is NOT WHY I'M HERE.
yes. i love that part of teaching. i love loving my students. but if i'm not loving them to bring glory to Jesus, but only for some sort of self fulfillment... then shame. shame on me.
I just found these notes i took on a lecture that Dr. C gave right before all of the student teachers left to go their separate ways (it was an INTENSE talk, for real)
in it, she challenged us to be willing to give up our own personal needs and desires for the privilege of teaching the Gospel to my students. She challenged us by saying that our primary purpose in life should be loving Jesus, which if we love Jesus well, we can love our students well... makes sense.
obviously i love Jesus. he is the only reason i'm doing what i'm doing... but i think i got a little too wrapped up in being able to love my students well, that i lost sight of that original goal. if i'm not focused on loving Jesus well, then my love gets selfish. and self-centered. ummmm, guilty. yup. that's me.
paul loved his brothers so much that he said this:
"For I could wish that I myself were accursed and cut off from Christ for the sake of my brothers, my kinsmen according to the flesh."
WHAT?! do i love my brothers and sisters that much?? so much that i would cut myself off from Christ for their gain??
heart check.
not even just the people that i actually like... everyone. time out. everyone?
heart check.
paul talks constantly about what he is giving up for the sake of the Gospel and for loving his brothers (1 Corinthians 8:13)... am i giving up anything? am i willing to give anything up? why am i two weeks away from being finished with this experience and just now realizing this?!
Paul streamlined his life driven, clear purpose... the issue here isnt really about what i'm willing to give up so much as it is KNOWING why i'm here. not a "calling" or anything like that. i am here solely to love God, and bring him glory...regardless of what i'm actually doing, that should be my purpose.
Paul suffered. Paul knew the purpose in his suffering. How could he be so free in the midst of it? because for Paul, to LIVE was Christ... to die was GAIN (Philipians 1:21) what an incredible mind-set and heart... to live is Christ... is my life Christ? is yours? would other people think so?
today i talked with my students about Habakkuk.
Habakkuk had nothing to be happy or joyful about.
the nation around him was broken, evil and everything that is opposite of thriving. (Hab 3:16-17)
but Habakkuk decides to respond with joy. he finds is joy in the Lord. the only place that it can possibly be found and untouched by his wretched surroundings.
i feel like that can be so tricky though...
teacher: well... Habakkuk found his joy in the Lord... so you should too!
student: ok, i'll check it off on my check list, hard times are coming, i just find joy in the Lord.
BUT HOW?!?
it's not just a coke dispenser, that you can walk up to push a button and bam, there's your free refill on joy...
yes, his love for us is unlimited, yes if we find out joy in him, it is unwavering and always there, yes, the Lord doesnt move or change, so our joy can be in the same place always... but HOW DO WE GET THERE??
we beg for it. we pray for it. we fall on our knees in front of a gracious and merciful savior and plead for His joy to fill us, to consume us. we read His word, we surround ourselves with people who have it...
I shared this with my students today;
I shared a lot with you guys about my own struggle with depression a few weeks ago… the root of that struggle… I found out, was my wanting to find, my love, my acceptance, my JOY in the circumstances and the people around me. You’ll find out soon enough when you graduate and go on to college, but things start changing really fast in college, people come, people go, you make new friends every week it feels like sometimes… so you can imagine what that felt like for me, as I was trying to define myself and find my joy by my surroundings, when my surroundings felt like a whirlwind… I can tell you from experience, that there is no joy in that. There is a lot of hurt. There is a lot of confusion. There is a lot of pain. No joy… It is incredibly ironic to me, that the one place that we can constantly go to for love, joy acceptance… all of those things, is the one place we are never looking for it. The Lord doesn’t move, He doesn’t change, His love for us doesn’t change either… I know that, but I don’t live in it sometimes. In the midst of a whirlwind of change and brokenness Habakkuk was able to hold on to that truth, and was able to have real joy.
when i left CIU and decided to stay home, i didnt know how to find joy. sincerely. but you better believe that i spent a lot of time before my Father, on my knees begging for it. i spent a lot of time around people who had it. i spent a lot of time reading his word looking for it...
Where is your joy? is it in your family? your friends? in what you do? what you achieve? what youre surrounding yourself with?
heart check.
Monday, March 15, 2010
i remember.
i'm not good at wearing more than one "hat" at a time. being someone's friend, i've got down, i've had 20+ years of practice at that... it's easy... it comes naturally.
being someone's authority AND friend? no thank you. i'm terrible at that. really. awful.
i barely know what boundaries look like in my own life, when i only have to be nicole.
but now there's a whole new set of boundaries that come along with being miss jones (ugh, still hate it) and being mamma j (3rd period) and j-baller (2nd period)... a whole new set of boundaries, a whole new set of rules, a whole new set of do's and dont's that i am really struggling with understanding.
here's the most frustrating part: teaching is all about building; you have to build all of these different levels, like trust, love, respect, etc... without each of those levels being perfectly built and laid, you can kiss all your dreams of being an effective teacher good-bye. in student teaching i have two months to build those levels, those relationships, that respect... that real life (legit) teachers have YEARS to work towards... i told billy a few days ago that i feel like i'm playing with lego's on speed... i'm scrambling to build all of these things with all of these kids...
and it's exhausting. it's up. it's down. it's back. it's forth. i honestly feel like one day they love me and they laugh with me, they enjoy me. and the very next day they're ignoring me, they hate me, they dont want to talk to me... AAAGGHHHHH.
i remember high school. i remember what it felt like. i remember. so i'm trying to be understanding and gracious... but man, i'm human... and sincerely... my feelings get hurt sometimes. it's weird. i didnt think this experience would be like this, i didnt believe it would be so exhausting... but i'm tired. so tired.
regardless of all of this... there is never a day that i leave thinking "i never want to come back here again..." every single day, because of the Lords grace and love for me i leave thinking "i cant wait to get back tomorrow and see what that will be like..."
i never love my students any less either. for real. every day. my heart grows. (honestly; at some point i hope it stops, because come april 1st i'm in for a whole new world of hurt...)
being someone's authority AND friend? no thank you. i'm terrible at that. really. awful.
i barely know what boundaries look like in my own life, when i only have to be nicole.
but now there's a whole new set of boundaries that come along with being miss jones (ugh, still hate it) and being mamma j (3rd period) and j-baller (2nd period)... a whole new set of boundaries, a whole new set of rules, a whole new set of do's and dont's that i am really struggling with understanding.
here's the most frustrating part: teaching is all about building; you have to build all of these different levels, like trust, love, respect, etc... without each of those levels being perfectly built and laid, you can kiss all your dreams of being an effective teacher good-bye. in student teaching i have two months to build those levels, those relationships, that respect... that real life (legit) teachers have YEARS to work towards... i told billy a few days ago that i feel like i'm playing with lego's on speed... i'm scrambling to build all of these things with all of these kids...
and it's exhausting. it's up. it's down. it's back. it's forth. i honestly feel like one day they love me and they laugh with me, they enjoy me. and the very next day they're ignoring me, they hate me, they dont want to talk to me... AAAGGHHHHH.
i remember high school. i remember what it felt like. i remember. so i'm trying to be understanding and gracious... but man, i'm human... and sincerely... my feelings get hurt sometimes. it's weird. i didnt think this experience would be like this, i didnt believe it would be so exhausting... but i'm tired. so tired.
regardless of all of this... there is never a day that i leave thinking "i never want to come back here again..." every single day, because of the Lords grace and love for me i leave thinking "i cant wait to get back tomorrow and see what that will be like..."
i never love my students any less either. for real. every day. my heart grows. (honestly; at some point i hope it stops, because come april 1st i'm in for a whole new world of hurt...)
Thursday, March 11, 2010
this is it. i've found it.
this post will be a random mod podge of the Lord's goodness to me, and student interactions...
this week, has been an incredible week for me. i feel like everything is clicking and settling, and that is an unbelievable feeling. i look back on my life, i see the hard things that the Lord has brought me through. i see the brokenness. i see the inadequacies. and I SEE PURPOSE. for the first time in my life (sincerely) i see that there is a grand purpose to it all... the Lord brought me through it, so that i can be here, where i'm at, in this moment. everything came together this week. THAT is overwhelming... in the past five years i've felt every range of emotion from aimless to worthless to inadequate to overwhelmed to brokenness... and i'm seeing how that has all brought me here. to a place that i can recognize those feelings and emotions, and understand that they do not define me. it is good to recognize them as a Christ-follower. to realize that i can not. but we as believers are not called to operate within the parameters of those emotions. we are called to operate within deliverance. we are called to operate within redemption. we are called to love and live within Christ and everything that HE IS. amen??
i am so unbelievably in love with what i am doing. i know that it is what i'm supposed to be doing for the rest of my life. and i am so overwhelmed and humbled and honored and blessed by that. i LOVE it. love.
the Lord and his sovereignty and his goodness to me makes me speechless. it brings tears to my eyes. it is incredible.
really, i could go on about this forever. so i'll stop myself here, but if you want to hear more, feel free to ask and i'll gladly vomit it all over you :)
my students are my heart. the love that i have for them is so outside of myself, i dont even know what to do with it half of the time. i miss them when i'm away from them, i think about them constantly, i LOVE them.
how do i know that they love me back?
-this week some of my lovely and adoring sophomores pranked my car. nothing says love like car paint all over your windows (ahem, kaylen, monica, lindsay, baxter... it's ON)
- getting texts and messages telling me about what's going on in their lives every day. i LOVE that. they want me to know them, they want me to be involved, and that makes me ridiculously happy.
- the list of people who have asked to be mentioned in this silly little blog is growing on the daily (autumn and terra, here you go ;)
- they pilfer my desk for food, invite themselves to a box of triscuits and devour it within a matter of minutes... again...nothing says love like inviting yourself into someone else's pantry ;)
if you can't tell... i LOVE student teaching, i LOVE my students, i LOVE my life here.
it is coming to a close far too quickly and my heart is already breaking over it...
this week, has been an incredible week for me. i feel like everything is clicking and settling, and that is an unbelievable feeling. i look back on my life, i see the hard things that the Lord has brought me through. i see the brokenness. i see the inadequacies. and I SEE PURPOSE. for the first time in my life (sincerely) i see that there is a grand purpose to it all... the Lord brought me through it, so that i can be here, where i'm at, in this moment. everything came together this week. THAT is overwhelming... in the past five years i've felt every range of emotion from aimless to worthless to inadequate to overwhelmed to brokenness... and i'm seeing how that has all brought me here. to a place that i can recognize those feelings and emotions, and understand that they do not define me. it is good to recognize them as a Christ-follower. to realize that i can not. but we as believers are not called to operate within the parameters of those emotions. we are called to operate within deliverance. we are called to operate within redemption. we are called to love and live within Christ and everything that HE IS. amen??
i am so unbelievably in love with what i am doing. i know that it is what i'm supposed to be doing for the rest of my life. and i am so overwhelmed and humbled and honored and blessed by that. i LOVE it. love.
the Lord and his sovereignty and his goodness to me makes me speechless. it brings tears to my eyes. it is incredible.
really, i could go on about this forever. so i'll stop myself here, but if you want to hear more, feel free to ask and i'll gladly vomit it all over you :)
my students are my heart. the love that i have for them is so outside of myself, i dont even know what to do with it half of the time. i miss them when i'm away from them, i think about them constantly, i LOVE them.
how do i know that they love me back?
-this week some of my lovely and adoring sophomores pranked my car. nothing says love like car paint all over your windows (ahem, kaylen, monica, lindsay, baxter... it's ON)
- getting texts and messages telling me about what's going on in their lives every day. i LOVE that. they want me to know them, they want me to be involved, and that makes me ridiculously happy.
- the list of people who have asked to be mentioned in this silly little blog is growing on the daily (autumn and terra, here you go ;)
- they pilfer my desk for food, invite themselves to a box of triscuits and devour it within a matter of minutes... again...nothing says love like inviting yourself into someone else's pantry ;)
if you can't tell... i LOVE student teaching, i LOVE my students, i LOVE my life here.
it is coming to a close far too quickly and my heart is already breaking over it...
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
we are all whores.
God had loved Israel.
God had chosen Israel to be a special people, a special treasure for him. They were to be a bright spot of light in a world that was Godless and corrupt. – God was faithful to Israel. He loved her and provided for her – but what happened??
They turned from God and worshiped idols. God loves Israel and wants to call her back to Himself, and He used Hosea for this job.
God told Hosea to get married; but not to just anyone. He tells Hosea to marry a whore. a prostitute. "go down to Samaria, find the local strip joint, pick the dirtiest prostitute you can find, and join yourself to her."
TIME OUT: why, oh why did God tell Hosea to marry a prostitute?? prostitution was punishable by death in the old testament. stoning. God told Hosea to marry a prostitute because Israel has become a prostitute! they are whoring out their hearts to other gods, they are filthy, dirty and broken. He puts Hosea through his own hurt, so that Israel (and us!) can learn a lesson. if you've been reading my blog, and you know any of my heart, you know that i think very much that we as believers ARE Israelites. we forget the Lord, we whore ourselves out to other things, things that are not Godly, or of the Lord. Hosea's message was not just to Gomer, it wasnt just to Israel. it was to us.
He married Gomer and they had three children. Hosea loved her very much.
One day, Gomer (perhaps tired and bored with being a preacher’s wife and poor) left Hosea to head back to the excitement of her old life in Samaria’s local “night-club and strip-tease joint.” Hosea and Gomer had probably been poor – but now Gomer has every thing she wants! Her boyfriends and lovers give her all sorts of gifts. Everything looks good, at first. But soon Gomer’s beauty fades. She becomes so disgusting that everyone despises her. No one wants her now. She gets so bad that she starts to pay her lovers, instead of her lovers paying her, she pursues and runs after the men that used to be chasing her down!! (Imagine your husband or wife doing this to you… how would you feel? Imagine your husband or wife paying someone else to sleep with them... HOW WOULD YOU FEEL???)
Now, picture Hosea, the prophet of God, the preacher whose wife has left him. He walks downtown, to the “striptease-nightclub joint” Everyone is staring at him, whispering, snickering… Someone calls out “Hey Preach! How’s the wife?? You heard about her latest boyfriend??” Man you should have seen her last night…”
Then Hosea, his heart breaking, turns to the men. “Hey, you guys think I have a problem? I DO! But God’s got a worse problem – you know who is problem is? YOU! I loved Gomer, I married her, I wanted her to be my one and only, we were so happy! What she has done is breaking my heart…” “But God also loved someone. He chose someone to be HIS one and only, YOU. Israel. YOU ARE THAT SOMEONE. And like my Gomer, you have prostituted yourselves to other gods – and God’s heart is broken!” “But I want to tell you something! Even though Gomer has slept around with other men, even though she has ruined her life and her beauty. Even though she stinks and her lovers don’t want her anymore, and everyone looks down on her as a worthless prostitute, I STILL LOVE HER! YOU GO TELL HER THAT I LOVE HER AND WANT HER BACK!”
Hosea's message to Gomer is God’s message to Israel! they’ve left God, ruined their lives, lost their purity. they are filthy and dirty. But GOD STILL LOVES THEM!!! If only they would repent, turn back to God, turn away from their idols and let Him restore them to that relationship they once had!
ummmm. excuse me? if we are JUST LIKE Israel, (which really... think about it. we are.) how can you possibly see this kind of love displayed toward us and NOT be moved by it? how can you NOT respond? how can you not leave your other lovers and run full speed toward the one true love that will love you like that??
Hosea didnt just go back to get Gomer (talk about some humility, just taking the step to go get her, can you honestly say you'd go off to seek out your whore of a wife? (or husband?) after what they had put you through already?) Hosea doesnt just go and find her; he PAYS EVERYTHING HE HAS to get her back. what?!? he pays off Gomer's pimp. so that he can have his whore of a wife back. back it up. read that again. what?!?
it's not like Gomer got her act together and then Hosea came to the rescue. SHE WAS STILL A WHORE.
hold on... this sounds familiar... oh yes...
"but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8)
While we were still whore's, sinners, broken, ugly, worthless... God sent his only son, everything he had, to pay off our pimp. to give us hope. to give us perfect love. to give us grace. he sacrificed everything to have us back...
wow.
phew.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Monday, March 8, 2010
ahhh. prophets. yes. finally.
there is so much love in my heart for my students that most of the time i dont even know what to do with it. i smile all the time. i think about them all the time. i want to KNOW them. i want to know them well. the more i know them, the better i can teach them. i know this, because i'm putting it to practice on a daily basis. my students are my heart.
(for my students that are reading this... YES. i love YOU. sincerely. i do. too much for my own good.)
today i started talking about Amos. Amos? yes, amos. if you dont know much about him, i recommend you do a little study. amos was a nobody. he was a shepherd. he was nothing. and he knew it. God called him to be a prophet during a time when Israel was thriving. They were rich, snobby, luxurious, "religious" and ritual people. they had all of the right practices, but none of the heart necessary behind them.
why would someone who is a nobody try to talk sense into these kind of people? they have everything in the world a man could desire, and really, they thought they had it together. they were doing all of the right "things" (and after all, they werent nearly as evil as the nations surrounding them... what with the tearing open pregnant ladies bellies, killing brothers, auctioning off nations and such... for real. read amos. CRAZY!) they were thinking just that... we're not that bad, look at these other nations, look what they're doing... do we think that? do i think that? "oh i'm not that bad off... i'm not killing any body or anything... no big deal, i cheated on a test... no big deal, i told a little lie..." STOP. if you know God. if you know his love. if you know his deliverance. and you are not ACTING IN IT; you ARE JUST AS BAD OFF. (whoa.)
amos acts simply because GOD TOLD HIM TO (Amos 7:15). what? that's it? no secret power? no magic strength hair? nope. just because God said to do it.
we are all nobodies. in the grand scheme of life we are nothing. BUT; good news. God has called us too.
"For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. And because of him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification and redemption, so that, as it is written, "Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord."
HELLLLLOOO. God has chosen the foolish, the weak, the DESPISED.
ME. I AM ALL OF THOSE THINGS. why am i not acting? why am i hesitant to follow?
YOU. why are you waiting? what else do you need? God has called, answer.
we boast in nothing but his call and his redemption, and his grace, and his love, and his wisdom, and his strength. or at least we're supposed to. do we?
what have we to boast in but that?
(for my students that are reading this... YES. i love YOU. sincerely. i do. too much for my own good.)
today i started talking about Amos. Amos? yes, amos. if you dont know much about him, i recommend you do a little study. amos was a nobody. he was a shepherd. he was nothing. and he knew it. God called him to be a prophet during a time when Israel was thriving. They were rich, snobby, luxurious, "religious" and ritual people. they had all of the right practices, but none of the heart necessary behind them.
why would someone who is a nobody try to talk sense into these kind of people? they have everything in the world a man could desire, and really, they thought they had it together. they were doing all of the right "things" (and after all, they werent nearly as evil as the nations surrounding them... what with the tearing open pregnant ladies bellies, killing brothers, auctioning off nations and such... for real. read amos. CRAZY!) they were thinking just that... we're not that bad, look at these other nations, look what they're doing... do we think that? do i think that? "oh i'm not that bad off... i'm not killing any body or anything... no big deal, i cheated on a test... no big deal, i told a little lie..." STOP. if you know God. if you know his love. if you know his deliverance. and you are not ACTING IN IT; you ARE JUST AS BAD OFF. (whoa.)
amos acts simply because GOD TOLD HIM TO (Amos 7:15). what? that's it? no secret power? no magic strength hair? nope. just because God said to do it.
we are all nobodies. in the grand scheme of life we are nothing. BUT; good news. God has called us too.
"For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. And because of him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification and redemption, so that, as it is written, "Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord."
HELLLLLOOO. God has chosen the foolish, the weak, the DESPISED.
ME. I AM ALL OF THOSE THINGS. why am i not acting? why am i hesitant to follow?
YOU. why are you waiting? what else do you need? God has called, answer.
we boast in nothing but his call and his redemption, and his grace, and his love, and his wisdom, and his strength. or at least we're supposed to. do we?
what have we to boast in but that?
Friday, March 5, 2010
i dont have much new to say.
i worked on my lessons for the next two weeks all day today... and every time i study hosea, i am so moved, so incredibly blown away by my saviors consistent grace and love. i cannot wait to teach about him and his life. sincerely. as i studied and as i saw his grace displayed so plainly tears came to my eyes. oh man, i cant wait. i would post my lesson now, but my kids read my blog... so you'll have to wait :) have a good weekend every one. i'm excited about this weekend. sara kauffman is on her way to charlotte now! i'm spending the weekend hanging out with her. yes.
love.
i worked on my lessons for the next two weeks all day today... and every time i study hosea, i am so moved, so incredibly blown away by my saviors consistent grace and love. i cannot wait to teach about him and his life. sincerely. as i studied and as i saw his grace displayed so plainly tears came to my eyes. oh man, i cant wait. i would post my lesson now, but my kids read my blog... so you'll have to wait :) have a good weekend every one. i'm excited about this weekend. sara kauffman is on her way to charlotte now! i'm spending the weekend hanging out with her. yes.
love.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
ummm, check it:
Sarah Williams: Nicole Jones aka J-Baller is amazing. Sincerely, she really is. (:
Elise Kathryn Denney and Kelsie Fields like this.
Elise Kathryn Denney
MAMA J!! :)
yesssss.
deeeeeeep breath...
i'm not teaching today. or tomorrow.
i think the break is good for me, it gives me a chance to actually miss it.
it's interesting to watch billy and how he interacts with the students that i have a hard time with. i really do love my kids. it's insane. every day i'm enjoying them more and more. the love just keeps coming. it doesnt run out or stop. i'm finally starting to feel comfortable standing in front of them day in and day out... i never thought that'd be the case either.
i got a huge stack of grading done yesterday since i didnt have to get ready for today, and that was really nice. and since i'm done with the divided kingdom i dont have to write anymore lesson plans... all of my lessons on the prophets are finished. i'm only teaching two more weeks. two weeks. that's so sad, i cant believe it's gone so quickly... i dont think i'm going to like going back to columbia and normal life after this... i just have a feeling that it's not going to be something that i'll be able to settle back into very easily...
life has kept moving for the people there, and life has kept moving for me here in rock hill. it will be hard to step back into that. and away from this.
meh.
carly. here's your shout out. :)
i think the break is good for me, it gives me a chance to actually miss it.
it's interesting to watch billy and how he interacts with the students that i have a hard time with. i really do love my kids. it's insane. every day i'm enjoying them more and more. the love just keeps coming. it doesnt run out or stop. i'm finally starting to feel comfortable standing in front of them day in and day out... i never thought that'd be the case either.
i got a huge stack of grading done yesterday since i didnt have to get ready for today, and that was really nice. and since i'm done with the divided kingdom i dont have to write anymore lesson plans... all of my lessons on the prophets are finished. i'm only teaching two more weeks. two weeks. that's so sad, i cant believe it's gone so quickly... i dont think i'm going to like going back to columbia and normal life after this... i just have a feeling that it's not going to be something that i'll be able to settle back into very easily...
life has kept moving for the people there, and life has kept moving for me here in rock hill. it will be hard to step back into that. and away from this.
meh.
carly. here's your shout out. :)
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
a clarification of sorts...
yesterday evening my facebook status said "defeated"
i did not realize how much concern would surface because of that statement!
i am not defeated. i will never be defeated (because i'm on the side that always wins... Jesus'). but, i have defeated the divided kingdom. i have taught through hundreds of years of bible history in a matter of three weeks. AWESOME. and. now i get to talk about some prophets. and hosea. oh man, i get to talk about hosea. i have been waiting for months to talk about him. and micah? heck yea.
yesterday i took some serious steps towards working past this perfectionistic cycle i've gotten myself into. today it hurt. but i think it was necessary for me to realize that i cant always have it together, and that my lesson is not always going to be the best, and sometimes my kids are just going to stare at me like i'm an idiot... it's just going to happen that way. dr. cooper came yesterday to visit and observe... she saw a seriously flawed lesson (for real. i'm not being dramatic. it was pretty awful), and was still some how able to find positive things to say about it (what?!) that encouraged me deeply. i do not always need to focus on the failures. there are successes as well... and i'm starting to think that failure is too intense of a word... i think it should be more like "learning opportunities"...
that is all.
i did not realize how much concern would surface because of that statement!
i am not defeated. i will never be defeated (because i'm on the side that always wins... Jesus'). but, i have defeated the divided kingdom. i have taught through hundreds of years of bible history in a matter of three weeks. AWESOME. and. now i get to talk about some prophets. and hosea. oh man, i get to talk about hosea. i have been waiting for months to talk about him. and micah? heck yea.
yesterday i took some serious steps towards working past this perfectionistic cycle i've gotten myself into. today it hurt. but i think it was necessary for me to realize that i cant always have it together, and that my lesson is not always going to be the best, and sometimes my kids are just going to stare at me like i'm an idiot... it's just going to happen that way. dr. cooper came yesterday to visit and observe... she saw a seriously flawed lesson (for real. i'm not being dramatic. it was pretty awful), and was still some how able to find positive things to say about it (what?!) that encouraged me deeply. i do not always need to focus on the failures. there are successes as well... and i'm starting to think that failure is too intense of a word... i think it should be more like "learning opportunities"...
that is all.
Monday, March 1, 2010
the law of the Lord
my students have discovered my blog.
here's a shout out to my third period girls who stalk me like they're getting paid to do it ;)
i went to columbia this past weekend (so good for me), but that is why there has been no posts and a total lack of communication on my part, sorry! i'm sure you're all desperate to know what's going on here in student teaching land...
i'm over a month in (which means one month left, which is CRAZY), and i love what i'm doing. i'm attached to what i'm doing. i feel like it's a tease... i get to have a real life job and experience what my life could be like post grad school, and in a few short weeks, it's going to be snatched away from me :(
also. i do not want to leave my students. i really love being with them every day. regardless of how hard this whole thing is some days, they make it worth getting up every morning and doing this over and over again. because some of them are getting it. some of them are responding. that makes it worth while. (ok, i'll admit it. i'm attached. it will hurt a lot to say goodbye.)
today i'm talking about josiah. josiah had the worst possible circumstances and odds were incredibly against him. but he rose above, and followed the Lord. it says in chronicles that he did turn to the left or to the right, but followed the Lord of his father david. legit.
when he was restoring the temple he went around beating the junk out of false idols and high places turning them into dust, the proceeded to take the dust of those idols and spread it on the graves of the men who worshiped them. whoa. dang. josiah wasnt messing around. (when i read about that, i couldnt help but picture him in his kingly robes storming all over judah with a baseball bat...)
after he finishes with this, he moves on to restoring the temple. the temple that solomon built. the only place that God's people could go to have community with Him. the temple that was in RUINS. (these people in Judah were not in relationship with their savior. their temple was destroyed) as josiah's men begin to make their repairs, they stumble across this book... they begin to read from it and realize it's the book of the law (what?!? how do you lose something like that? i mean, it's not like you could hop in your car and head to the nearest barnes and noble and buy a new leather bound back then... THERE WAS ONLY ONE!!) when josiah heard the law of the Lord he cried out and tore his clothes. his people were not following the law, they were evil, and broke every law listed... his heart was humbled, and tender and broken. he gathered his people together and read to them from the book of the law and made a covenant right there in front of them to follow and remember the testimonies and statutes of the Lord with all of his heart and soul.
all of this to say that josiah took the word of the Lord seriously. he took his and his peoples infractions against it seriously. i feel like the bible (and especially Bible class for kids that have been in a christian school setting for their entire lives. (like me! oohh, ooh, pick me!)) becomes a check list. it becomes a text book. it becomes a number and letter grade. IT IS THE WORD OF GOD, IT IS HIS COMMUNICATION TO US. IT IS HOW WE KNOW AND LOVE HIM. why do we let it become something so mundane? so minor? why do i let it become those things? i'm supposed to be teaching this? and this is something i'm struggling with? what?
josiah, because of his action, because of his respect of the Lord, his law and his word, saved an entire nation from destruction. during his reign he was promised peace. one man. one heart that was tender and sensitive to the Lord and his words, saved Judah from impending doom.
one of my students in my third period asked me if i was just as "moved" by my lesson by the time i got to seventh bell... i wanted so badly to be able to say "yes, of course... it's the Bible." but if would have answered in that way, it would have been a lie. sometimes getting through seventh bell is a serious battle. sometimes i'm exhausted. sometimes i'm sick of saying the same things over and over again. (i do teach five times a day...) but i should be just as moved, inspired, excited... about what i have to say in seventh bell as i am in third... i should...
here's a shout out to my third period girls who stalk me like they're getting paid to do it ;)
i went to columbia this past weekend (so good for me), but that is why there has been no posts and a total lack of communication on my part, sorry! i'm sure you're all desperate to know what's going on here in student teaching land...
i'm over a month in (which means one month left, which is CRAZY), and i love what i'm doing. i'm attached to what i'm doing. i feel like it's a tease... i get to have a real life job and experience what my life could be like post grad school, and in a few short weeks, it's going to be snatched away from me :(
also. i do not want to leave my students. i really love being with them every day. regardless of how hard this whole thing is some days, they make it worth getting up every morning and doing this over and over again. because some of them are getting it. some of them are responding. that makes it worth while. (ok, i'll admit it. i'm attached. it will hurt a lot to say goodbye.)
today i'm talking about josiah. josiah had the worst possible circumstances and odds were incredibly against him. but he rose above, and followed the Lord. it says in chronicles that he did turn to the left or to the right, but followed the Lord of his father david. legit.
when he was restoring the temple he went around beating the junk out of false idols and high places turning them into dust, the proceeded to take the dust of those idols and spread it on the graves of the men who worshiped them. whoa. dang. josiah wasnt messing around. (when i read about that, i couldnt help but picture him in his kingly robes storming all over judah with a baseball bat...)
after he finishes with this, he moves on to restoring the temple. the temple that solomon built. the only place that God's people could go to have community with Him. the temple that was in RUINS. (these people in Judah were not in relationship with their savior. their temple was destroyed) as josiah's men begin to make their repairs, they stumble across this book... they begin to read from it and realize it's the book of the law (what?!? how do you lose something like that? i mean, it's not like you could hop in your car and head to the nearest barnes and noble and buy a new leather bound back then... THERE WAS ONLY ONE!!) when josiah heard the law of the Lord he cried out and tore his clothes. his people were not following the law, they were evil, and broke every law listed... his heart was humbled, and tender and broken. he gathered his people together and read to them from the book of the law and made a covenant right there in front of them to follow and remember the testimonies and statutes of the Lord with all of his heart and soul.
all of this to say that josiah took the word of the Lord seriously. he took his and his peoples infractions against it seriously. i feel like the bible (and especially Bible class for kids that have been in a christian school setting for their entire lives. (like me! oohh, ooh, pick me!)) becomes a check list. it becomes a text book. it becomes a number and letter grade. IT IS THE WORD OF GOD, IT IS HIS COMMUNICATION TO US. IT IS HOW WE KNOW AND LOVE HIM. why do we let it become something so mundane? so minor? why do i let it become those things? i'm supposed to be teaching this? and this is something i'm struggling with? what?
josiah, because of his action, because of his respect of the Lord, his law and his word, saved an entire nation from destruction. during his reign he was promised peace. one man. one heart that was tender and sensitive to the Lord and his words, saved Judah from impending doom.
one of my students in my third period asked me if i was just as "moved" by my lesson by the time i got to seventh bell... i wanted so badly to be able to say "yes, of course... it's the Bible." but if would have answered in that way, it would have been a lie. sometimes getting through seventh bell is a serious battle. sometimes i'm exhausted. sometimes i'm sick of saying the same things over and over again. (i do teach five times a day...) but i should be just as moved, inspired, excited... about what i have to say in seventh bell as i am in third... i should...
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