heart check

so i havent really felt like updating recently... mostly because my last post was SO selfish and self-centered... i didnt know how to come back and sweep up that mess... so i've avoided it...

shame.
shame on me.
shame on me for making my teaching experience wrapped up in my relational experiences as opposed to making it about bringing glory to my Savior.
even if i walked into a classroom full of people who relentlessly hated me... that is NOT WHY I'M HERE.
yes. i love that part of teaching. i love loving my students. but if i'm not loving them to bring glory to Jesus, but only for some sort of self fulfillment... then shame. shame on me.

I just found these notes i took on a lecture that Dr. C gave right before all of the student teachers left to go their separate ways (it was an INTENSE talk, for real)
in it, she challenged us to be willing to give up our own personal needs and desires for the privilege of teaching the Gospel to my students. She challenged us by saying that our primary purpose in life should be loving Jesus, which if we love Jesus well, we can love our students well... makes sense.
obviously i love Jesus. he is the only reason i'm doing what i'm doing... but i think i got a little too wrapped up in being able to love my students well, that i lost sight of that original goal. if i'm not focused on loving Jesus well, then my love gets selfish. and self-centered. ummmm, guilty. yup. that's me.

paul loved his brothers so much that he said this:
"For I could wish that I myself were accursed and cut off from Christ for the sake of my brothers, my kinsmen according to the flesh."
WHAT?! do i love my brothers and sisters that much?? so much that i would cut myself off from Christ for their gain??
heart check.
not even just the people that i actually like... everyone. time out. everyone?
heart check.


paul talks constantly about what he is giving up for the sake of the Gospel and for loving his brothers (1 Corinthians 8:13)... am i giving up anything? am i willing to give anything up? why am i two weeks away from being finished with this experience and just now realizing this?!
Paul streamlined his life driven, clear purpose... the issue here isnt really about what i'm willing to give up so much as it is KNOWING why i'm here. not a "calling" or anything like that. i am here solely to love God, and bring him glory...regardless of what i'm actually doing, that should be my purpose.
Paul suffered. Paul knew the purpose in his suffering. How could he be so free in the midst of it? because for Paul, to LIVE was Christ... to die was GAIN (Philipians 1:21) what an incredible mind-set and heart... to live is Christ... is my life Christ? is yours? would other people think so?


today i talked with my students about Habakkuk.
Habakkuk had nothing to be happy or joyful about.
the nation around him was broken, evil and everything that is opposite of thriving. (Hab 3:16-17)
but Habakkuk decides to respond with joy. he finds is joy in the Lord. the only place that it can possibly be found and untouched by his wretched surroundings.
i feel like that can be so tricky though...
teacher: well... Habakkuk found his joy in the Lord... so you should too!
student: ok, i'll check it off on my check list, hard times are coming, i just find joy in the Lord.

BUT HOW?!?

it's not just a coke dispenser, that you can walk up to push a button and bam, there's your free refill on joy...
yes, his love for us is unlimited, yes if we find out joy in him, it is unwavering and always there, yes, the Lord doesnt move or change, so our joy can be in the same place always... but HOW DO WE GET THERE??

we beg for it. we pray for it. we fall on our knees in front of a gracious and merciful savior and plead for His joy to fill us, to consume us. we read His word, we surround ourselves with people who have it...

I shared this with my students today;
I shared a lot with you guys about my own struggle with depression a few weeks ago… the root of that struggle… I found out, was my wanting to find, my love, my acceptance, my JOY in the circumstances and the people around me. You’ll find out soon enough when you graduate and go on to college, but things start changing really fast in college, people come, people go, you make new friends every week it feels like sometimes… so you can imagine what that felt like for me, as I was trying to define myself and find my joy by my surroundings, when my surroundings felt like a whirlwind… I can tell you from experience, that there is no joy in that. There is a lot of hurt. There is a lot of confusion. There is a lot of pain. No joy… It is incredibly ironic to me, that the one place that we can constantly go to for love, joy acceptance… all of those things, is the one place we are never looking for it. The Lord doesn’t move, He doesn’t change, His love for us doesn’t change either… I know that, but I don’t live in it sometimes. In the midst of a whirlwind of change and brokenness Habakkuk was able to hold on to that truth, and was able to have real joy.

when i left CIU and decided to stay home, i didnt know how to find joy. sincerely. but you better believe that i spent a lot of time before my Father, on my knees begging for it. i spent a lot of time around people who had it. i spent a lot of time reading his word looking for it...

Where is your joy? is it in your family? your friends? in what you do? what you achieve? what youre surrounding yourself with?
heart check.