honesty.

honesty and transparency works wonders when youre talking about teaching high schoolers...
a little vulnerability goes a long way.
talking about my life like a did today made me a real person to them, at least i think it did. the class discussions went so well and were so much fun that in most of my classes i didnt even finish the lesson i was teaching...
it is good to be reminded of the Lords faithfulness. and it is refreshing to hear the perspectives of 90 high schoolers and how they see that the Lord is faithful to them.
part of the discussion today was talking about how we are unfaithful to the Lord, how we make idols in our lives. i dont know about you....i'm not carving any literal idols out of the tree in the back yard, but i have so many idols in my life it's hard to keep track of them most days. one kid in my 6th period responded to the question "what are idol's that you've made in your lives?" with "sleep!" how true is that? i never even thought of that, but man, sleep... i love sleep, i hardly ever get sleep, but sometimes when it comes to hitting the snooze button in the mornings instead of getting up and talking with my savior... sleep wins... too often i'm afraid. that was an incredible insight to me. for me. another responded with "cell phones!" yes. how often do we feel like we cannot function when we are separated from that little electronic device? student teaching has most certainly broken me of that habit, but that's not to say i've never made it an idol before...
my kids were with me today, they wanted to participate, they wanted to be honest, because i was honest... i LOVED that. it made me feel like a teacher. yesterday, i did not feel like a teacher.

i'm feeling really empty right now, like i've got nothing left. i'm half way through this experience. feeling empty and like i've got nothing left to give is BAD...
pray for my heart, pray for me, pray that i would continue to seek that fulfillment that my heart needs in the only place it can get it.

faithfulness, goodness, graciousness...

Today was a hard day for me. Not because of my students, and not because of anything i can list or name... i think i've just hit a wall. I'm emotionally exhausted, i'm constantly pouring into students who cant give anything back to me, and i'm not getting anything back. i cant expect to get anything back from freshmen and sophomores in high school, that would be ridiculous... i crave mature interaction that has nothing to do with student teaching, and what i can do better...
Today i finished with the northern kingdom, only a few more lessons to finish out the divided kingdom, and then i get to talk about prophets, which i am really looking forward to...

tomorrow i am doing a "debrief" day... kind of a reflection on where we've been, and where we're going. here's what i'm gonna say:

Now that we’ve finished up to the end of the Northern kingdom, I want to take a breather and spend some time reflecting and processing.

The divided kingdom is confusing. It’s broken. It’s messed up. But I think it’s really beautiful in the middle of all of that. For me, an overarching theme that we can see in play throughout this time is the Lord’s faithfulness. He is faithful to his people; he is faithful to his promises. He is faithful. I think that so often we as believers see what these Israelites are doing and how they’re acting (finding other gods to worship, forgetting about what the Lord has done for them, etc.) and we kind of look down on them, we judge them a little bit for what they’ve gotten themselves into. Would you agree with that? The more I thought about it and reflected on it, the more I realized that I AM AN ISRAELITE. Every day I forget about the Lord and his faithfulness. Every day I forget that the Lord is good and at work. Every day I need to be delivered to some extent or another. Who am I (or we) to judge them?? So often we live day-to-day and we don’t even think about the Lord. Like some of the kings we’ve talked about, we don’t think about Him or what he’s doing in and for us until we’re in a really tight spot.

When I was given the task to teach the Divided Kingdom a few different thoughts and emotions came to me:

1. I was incredibly overwhelmed. I knew (and pretty much still know…) very little about the Divided Kingdom. I promise you I’m learning just as much as you are…
2. How are a bunch of kings and confusing names and killing and scheming and death and lying and idolatry… (you get the picture…) relevant to me today? How can I possibly make it relevant to you guys??

Like I said earlier I think that the Lord and his faithfulness is an incredibly dominant theme during this time. I know that the Lord gave me this curriculum specifically because I needed to learn about his faithfulness. I needed to be reminded of his goodness. I needed to see how he keeps his promises… I haven’t always been able to see that God is faithful in my life. That’s not to say that he hasn’t always been faithful… I just had a hard time seeing it for a while… my junior year at CIU was slightly tumultuous, to say the least. In the middle of dealing with all of the things that happened during that semester, I had spent my entire fall semester in counseling, I began to struggle with depression during my sophomore year, and was going to counseling to work through that… at the end of that spring semester I was a shell of who I used to be, my roommate and that entire situation drained me beyond what I had to give, and I honestly didn’t even know who I was anymore. I seriously doubted God’s faithfulness or goodness or grace… I saw everything that I went through and I thought that there was no way that God was any of those things. I came home that summer, broken and disbelieving and empty. In July of that summer I went to counseling at my parents request at this school called Regent in Va Beach (a really big Christian University there) and began to work through that brokenness and emptiness...

Have any of you seen Invention of Lying? This is NOT a recommendation to go out and watch it, by any means, but there was one part that really got my attention…

Some background: the movie is about a society that does not lie, not any kind of lying, in fact, they don’t even know what a lie is. It follows the main character (who is played by Ricky Gervais) and shows how he is actually the first person to ever tell a lie; and since no one even knows what a lie is, they have no choice but to believe everything he says…

In on scene, his mother is on her death bed, and scared of death and life just ending, so Ricky makes up this place that she will go after she dies, where everyone gets a mansion and everything is happy… when people hear of this place they begin to ask how they can get there, so Ricky makes up some more lies… he starts off by saying that there is this “Big Guy in the Sky” who controls everything, someone immediately counters this statement by asking “so does he make all the bad things happen??” Ricky replies by saying “Well, yes… but he makes the good things happen too…”

How many times do we think of God like this? Some big guy in the sky?

How do you think of God?

Do you think of him as “The Big Guy in the Sky”?

Do you know that God desires more than that from us? With us?

I’m sure you “know” that, but do you believe it? Do you pursue him like it true?

I went to counseling for the rest of the summer, and decided not to go back to CIU for the fall semester of my senior year. I needed time to breathe, I needed time to recover, I needed time to recognize the Lords faithfulness, goodness and grace in my life.

I know for a fact now, in retrospect, that the brokenness that the Lord brought into my life, was in fact him being faithful to me, I’ve learned and grown so much through that time in my life, I can honestly say I would never take it back, or trade it for anything…

How has the Lord been good/faithful/gracious to you?

How was he all of those things to the Israelites?

Can you see any other themes throughout this time?

I have to say that my brokenness is nothing in comparison to that which we’ve seen in what we’ve covered thus far, and it is encouraging to me to see that he’s faithful to these kings and to the promises he’s made to them.

In Isaiah 30:18, it says that the Lord LONGS to be gracious to us…

How is the Lord gracious, good, faithful… to you?

the performing art of teaching...

first, i have an announcement: I KNOW ALL OF MY KIDS NAMES!!!
phew, that was a serious accomplishment. it makes teaching a lot easier when you know your students names... just sayin.
now... onward.
Dr. C came to visit me on friday, and she observed my first two classes, which are two of my better classes these days, the students are so relational and easy to teach to. but Dr. C told me something that really rocked me after i was done... she said that regardless of the students i have in each class, they all deserve the same lesson, they all deserve the same enthusiasm and interaction. just because they dont interact back, i dont have to let them control the whole dynamic of the class. wow. i NEVER realized that i didnt have to let my students dominate that aspect of teaching. ridiculous, i know. but i really never thought of that... so i went into my next period... which is definitely one that i have a harder time with, determined to give them all that i have my first two classes... and what do you know, it worked! it was so encouraging, it was one of the first times i walked out of that class actually feeling encouraged.
at the end of the day billy told me it was my best day yet, which was so good to hear, and dr. c was so encouraging as well. it's cool that she gets to come every week and see how things change from that perspective.

one more thing i realized; i am a perfectionist to the core. moreso than i ever thought possible.
a problem with being a perfectionist AND a teacher?? there is no such thing as a perfect teacher. no matter how much i work towards it i will never achieve perfection. i leave every day thinking about a million things i can do better and change. i leave defeated. it's a vicious cycle. and scary. and something i need to figure out how to get out of. i'm working on it...

i also realized that this perfectionistic mindset has so much to do with my own personal struggles and walk with Jesus. i know that i'll never be perfect. i'll never live up to the law. but that's why there is Jesus in the first place. i dont have to live up to the law because HE DID. it's already done. i look at myself and see ugly brokenness and worthlessness, and i know i dont deserve his sacrifice. i work towards making myself better (and perfect) when Jesus has already accepted me with all of my flaws. this in no way excuses me from sanctification in its entirety, but praise the Lord for GRACE! amen? the struggle inside of me, the hatred of that sin and ugliness is proof of my sanctification progress, and for that i am incredibly grateful... there is progress.

whoa dang long post. sorry :)

also... this is what i've been doing for the past 5 hours straight:

lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of grading...

you can call me j-baller.

my second period class gave me a gangster nickname today, because i hate being called miss jones so much. they decided on j-baller.
i'm really loving my second period class, which is funny and awesome all at the same time. the first week i was convinced they were going to be the hardest class for me to get through, but it just took letting them get to know me and getting to know them. knowing your students improves your teaching so much more than i thought it did... it's incredible.

after tomorrow i will have completed three weeks. i have six weeks left, and only four more weeks of content lessons. i cannot believe how quickly this time has gone by. this is the most challenging thing i have ever done in my life. every day i walk away thinking i cant possibly learn or grow anymore, my heart cant possibly expand any more, and every day, it does. and i love it.

today we talked about uzziah, and his issue with pride. he was the king who experienced great fame and success, because the Lord was with him... then he got arrogant. he tried to go into the temple and burn incense, which is a job only meant for priests to do. the Lord struck him with leprosy. his pride was his downfall.
C.S. Lewis says that pride leads to every other vice, that a man that struggles and deals with pride cannot possibly know God. that is such a MONUMENTAL statement. if you struggle with pride, raise your hand. (ummm, me, yup. my hand is raised... and i'm pretty sure that if youre not raising your hand, youre either to prideful to do so, or just lying to yourself)
if you struggle with pride you cant possibly know God??? wow. that hit home to me. and it was so cool to see my students struggle and wrestle with that as well. it invoked a lot of awesome discussion. some of us may not struggle to the same extent or degree as uzziah did in his life, i mean... i've never been struck with leprosy, but i have certainly suffered other consequences from my pride...

i finished writing my test tonight. i'll review on monday, and give it to them on tuesday!
dr. c is visiting tomorrow. i'm wicked excited to see her. definitely.
praise the Lord it's the weekend. i need some serious sleep action.

repercussions.

so i get stalked on facebook, pretty much on a daily basis. part of the joys of teaching and hanging out with almost 90 freshmen and sophomores in highschool :)
so... if any of you are on my facebook, post on my facebook, have pictures on my facebook... odds are you've been a topic of conversation in some of my classes...

today was a hard day... i had to punish one of my students, there had to repercussions... i hated it actually... my students have been pushing me, trying to find their boundaries. the hard part about that is that i dont think i even really know what their boundaries are.

i started writing my test today, and i'm anxious to give it. i want to see what my students have learned, i want to see if i've been teaching effectively. hopefully i have.

i'm exhausted. this week has been hard. pray for energy, pray for rest, pray for guidance, pray for favor. i need all of those things. desperately.

ahhhh, seventh bell.

i'm on week three...
that's just crazy to me, this new life has become routine, and i'm adjusting to the demands of it's schedule. i go to bed at 930... i'm pretty sure that's before even my parents are in bed. i'm up before 6 every morning, at school by seven. and i love it. i love the life that i have right now. i love hanging out with my kids every day, and i love how much they challenge me. i think the Lord was incredibly gracious in giving me a seventh bell that i LOVE. it makes it much easier to leave and come back every day.

in the absence of being around people that know me and love me well, the Lord is being ridiculously good to my heart and loving on me constantly, and for that i am incredibly grateful.

I think it's ironic that i'm the teacher in this scenario... i'm pretty sure i'm learning more than most of my students on a daily basis, my mind and heart are on overload 90 percent of the time. i cant journal fast enough half of the time.

today was the first day that i felt entirely comfortable. i knew what needed to be done, and i ran my classroom, it was a nice change. obviously there is always more to be done and thigs to be done better, but i feel like i'm headed in the right direction. i cant imagine what this blog will look like seven weeks from now...

i'm giving my first test a week from today (yikes!) i'm nervous, mostly because i hate when my students dont do well... and if they dont do well it probably has a great deal to do with me not teaching effectively... so pray that everything goes over smoothly this next week!!

lessons learned... eh. kind of.

hmmmm.

yesterday i talked a lot about confidence. about finding confidence in Jesus Christ and acting boldly in that. as humans that are broken, depraved and generally just messed up, we have a tendency to look for and find our confidence (or acceptance, love, satisfaction, etc.) in the things and people around us, or the things that we accomplish. what happens when you lose the people around you that you find those things in? what happens when the things and people you look for that confidence in shift and move and change? (they are human afterall, and just as broken as you are, it's guaranteed to happen). when we find ourselves lacking confidence, really we should ask ourselves where our confidence is coming from, because if it's in Jesus Christ, he doesnt move. he doesnt shift. he doesnt change. he cant possibly love us any more than he already does. why are we constantly looking for what we need in places it cant be found? if we're not careful we can lose ourselves in the midst of trying to find ourselves...

funny how i taught that five different times yesterday and i'm still figuring out how to apply it to myself...


every day at the end of the lesson i have my students do this thing called "food for thought" i just have them reflect on the lesson, share some of their thoughts...a mini journal kind of...
yesterday i collected them and read over some of them from the last week... i was so encouraged that despite my lack of communication and teaching abilities the Lord still speaks. a lot of my students took His principles to heart, applied them and wrestled with them. i loved that. i know that i have nothing good to say apart from Jesus, and he's showing me that more and more these days...

and... i'm in.

This was posted by one of my students on another one of my students facebook walls:

Meagan McCamy elise, i just found something epic.
i was creepin on miss jones' pictures, & there's one of her dorm room.
& above her bed, there are not one, but two, HARRY POTTER POSTERS.
just thought i'd let you know.

i'm offically  accepted and loved by my students... it just took some harry potter action... if only i knew that two weeks ago... :)

Today was a hard day, i'm exhausted and i'm sick, and i miss my friends.

really i just miss people that really know me, i miss not always having to be "on" if you know what i mean. i miss sitting on sarah brubakers couch in founders and just being able to sit. not having to make conversation or worry about being awkward. sometimes (more than sometimes these days thanks to sarah) i really just like being quiet, and being still...

other than that the lesson went well... i think. some of my classes are really testing me, trying to find their boundaries, which is frustrating because i dont even know what their boundaries are or should be... hopefully i'll figure it out soon, because saying "shhhhhh" or "please be quiet!" after every two or three sentences is getting a little old. :)

do hard things.

today in my lesson i talked about my friend aimee.
aimee was killed in a car accident three weeks ago.
aimee lived an incredible life, she loved Jesus and she loved people.
if you went to her memorial service, you did not leave without knowing this about her.

there was a king in the southern kingdom who's name was Jehoram, the Bible doesnt say much about him, other than at his death he "passed to no one's regret." no one cared about his dying, no one mourned the loss of him in their lives.

aimee lived a life that was worth mourning. she lived a life that touched people. probably moreso than she even realized. at her memorial service people were standing in the back and sitting in the aisles to show their deep regrets of losing her as a part of their lives. a live feed of her memorial service was viewed in over six different countries. aimee lived a life worth remembering. worth talking about. a life on the complete opposite end of the spectrum of jehoram's life.

it was hard. it was necessary. it was what the Lord gave me to say. so i said it.


today i also learned a lot about discipline. and how awful i am at it. every day there is something that i realize i need to improve on, there is something i can do better...

far from perfection...

today i connected with my students in a better way than i have ever before. it was awesome, i loved it, and it made me want to teach even more.
dr. cooper came to visit and observe me today, i was so excited that she was there that it completely overshadowed being nervous.
i'm learning more and more that there will always be things to improve on, and for a perfectionist this is an incredibly hard thing to learn... i want everything to be right, every time. but the thing about teaching is that every lesson is different. depending on who you teach to, the dynamic and reception of each lesson is different. i love and hate this all at the same time. it definitely keeps things interesting.
tomorrow i'm going to share some really personal stories about my life and how they relate to the lesson i'm presenting... pray that it is well recepted and that my students come away with a better picture of who i am and why i'm here.

"and then...and then...and then..."

i HATE teaching strictly content lessons. i'm really bad at it, and i feel like i sound like that chinese lady from dude where's my car... "Elisha did this, and then he did this, and then he did this, and then he talked to these people, and then he healed this person..." ugh.
i'm so used to teaching in field ed classes, which are far more principle based, the adjustment and balance between the two is so difficult for me right now. (i'm teaching a highschool survey class)
i tried my best to squeeze principles in the middle of those things, but it was so much harder than i thought it would be... i taught through 9 chapters of 2 kings today, strictly covering Elisha and his ministry, and i didnt even finish. i have to talk about him again tomorrow... meh.
Dr. C is coming to visit tomorrow, and i'm actually really excited about it, i miss ciu, and i miss seeing her every day. she's not observing me until the afternoon, which i am so thankful for because i'm so much more comfortable by the end of the day.
i can feel my students start to open up to me and talk with me, and i really love it, i'm getting to know them and how to interact with them, and it makes this whole thing so much more fun.
billy (my cooperating teacher) told me today that i have a good "teacher voice" i'm not sure exactly what that means, but it sounds so legit to me, i'll take it.
tomorrow i'm giving my first quiz. weird. and exhilarating all at the same time. i can feel the power. muahahahaha...

 

This is my trailer... i mean "module" :)

"don't forget about your memory verse next week!!"

today was my first content lesson, i taught about jehoshaphat in the southern kingdom, and man... it was weird! i've never taught a lesson more than once, so after my first period when all of my students left and a whole new set of students poured into my class it was a little surreal, setting up and starting all over again. i definitely got more comfortable as the day went on. i feel awful for my first and last periods... i feel like they both get the worst ends of the stick. the first i'm just getting into it, and by the last i'm so tired of saying the same things over and over again that i'm just fighting to get through the lesson. it's funny (and a little frustrating) how each class and their dynamic completely changes my lesson. even though i'm teaching the exact same thing, my lesson changes drastically from class to class... it's interesting. i'm really wanting to get past this awkward getting to know them stage. i want to know them well so that i can teach them well, and i wish i could just get there.
regardless, i'm loving this time, i'm loving how much i'm learning, and how much the Lord is growing me and my heart. i didn't think i would, but the Lord is good, and sovereign. he brought me here and has work to do through me... i'm more than willing to stand in front of 5 classes full of high schoolers to see what he's doing.

ps: reminding students of homework and assignments as their leaving my class is the weirdest feeling ever... it's like i'm a real life teacher...

pray: i'm struggling with lonliness right now... pray for my heart, that i would continue to seek the Lord for all comfort and satisfaction during this time. i need him, and every day i become more aware of my desperate brokenness and desire for his fulfillment.

"uhh, hi... i'm miss jones?" (internal cringe)

today i stood in front of a class... took role... called myself "miss jones"(ugh)... met 90ish 9th and 10th graders that are going to be mine for the next 9 weeks... i met 90ish strangers, and immediately felt my heart overflowing with love for them. love that couldnt have possibly come from inside of me. i want so badly for them to know and love Jesus to a deeper and greater capacity through out these nine weeks.

today was an introduction lesson, and i enjoyed so much getting to know my students, i'm looking forward to knowing and loving them better, and teaching better because of it.

and to leave you; a quote i heard from one of my students today: (i think i may write a book at the end of these nine weeks, filled with quotes from 9th and 10th graders...)

in reference to a questionaire that asked "what would you do with a million dollars??"
"well, i would definitely give some of it to like... homeless people. well, maybe not all homeless people, because some of them would like totally use it to buy like...drugs."

:) high schoolers. gotta love them.

some things i've learned...

• Copy machines hate me. for real. they are all out to get me.
• i never want to go back to high school. i love teaching high schoolers, but you will never talk me into going back to high school.
• things that you used to think were awesome as students (i.e. announcements taking fifteen minutes in the mornings during your least favorite period, or getting out wicked early for your basketball game...) not so awesome when youre a teacher.
• 13, 14 and 15 year old girls are the most dramatic beings on this planet. i guarantee it.
• i love the Bible. i love it more every day. maybe even every hour.
• being a teacher is far more emotionally and physically exhausting than i ever imagined it would be.
• no matter what time i go to bed at night, i'll never ever want to get up before six o'clock in the morning. it's just ungodly that there are professions out there that require this of you.

i'm teaching my first legit lesson in the morning. as of 8 am i am in charge of almost 100 9th and 10th graders for the next 9 weeks.  PRAY.

anxiety free? really? i like it...

i feel like i should be a lot more overwhelmed than i actually am... it's been a long day, and i'm tired. but i'm not nervous, or anxious. i'm excited. which is incredible, because that's exactly what my prayer has been since this adventure started. i met all of my students today, and i'm so surprised at how much and how well they love Jesus. I went to private christian school my whole life, with other kids who did the same, and they (myself included) did not have anywhere near the same concept of an actual relationship with Jesus Christ as it seems my students do. i'm so looking forward to getting to share my heart with them, and learn how to love them. i'm anxious to see how the Lord changes and grows my heart throughout this experience.