i remember.

i'm not good at wearing more than one "hat" at a time. being someone's friend, i've got down, i've had 20+ years of practice at that... it's easy... it comes naturally.
being someone's authority AND friend? no thank you. i'm terrible at that. really. awful.
i barely know what boundaries look like in my own life, when i only have to be nicole.
but now there's a whole new set of boundaries that come along with being miss jones (ugh, still hate it) and being mamma j (3rd period) and j-baller (2nd period)... a whole new set of boundaries, a whole new set of rules, a whole new set of do's and dont's that i am really struggling with understanding.

here's the most frustrating part: teaching is all about building; you have to build all of these different levels, like trust, love, respect, etc... without each of those levels being perfectly built and laid, you can kiss all your dreams of being an effective teacher good-bye. in student teaching i have two months to build those levels, those relationships, that respect... that real life (legit) teachers have YEARS to work towards... i told billy a few days ago that i feel like i'm playing with lego's on speed... i'm scrambling to build all of these things with all of these kids...

and it's exhausting. it's up. it's down. it's back. it's forth. i honestly feel like one day they love me and they laugh with me, they enjoy me. and the very next day they're ignoring me, they hate me, they dont want to talk to me... AAAGGHHHHH.
i remember high school. i remember what it felt like. i remember. so i'm trying to be understanding and gracious... but man, i'm human... and sincerely... my feelings get hurt sometimes. it's weird. i didnt think this experience would be like this, i didnt believe it would be so exhausting... but i'm tired. so tired.

regardless of all of this... there is never a day that i leave thinking "i never want to come back here again..." every single day, because of the Lords grace and love for me i leave thinking "i cant wait to get back tomorrow and see what that will be like..."


i never love my students any less either. for real. every day. my heart grows. (honestly; at some point i hope it stops, because come april 1st i'm in for a whole new world of hurt...)