first... school with no kids = no fun. none at all.
today i had to submit all of my grades, and THAT was weird.
none of my kids failed! :) praise the Lord.
last week was the first week in months that i didnt have anything to do... no studying 5 hours a day, no teaching 6 hours a day... nothing. it was different.
because of the forced hiatus from teaching, i spent a lot of time thinking. a lot of time being still... and that was really hard for me.
the past two months have literally been a roller coaster of emotions. and i'm incredibly slow when it comes to processing things like this... i'm not a verbal processor. at all. (hence, the blog :)
so, the combination of me being slow, and the past three months being INSANE, resulted in this past week being really really hard.
i'm leaving rock hill in less than a week. that's hard.
i'm scared to come back to columbia. that's hard.
i want to do this for the rest of my life, and i dont know if that's going to happen for me right now. that's hard.
i'm beyond attached to my students. i love them. and i'm leaving them. that's hard.
i've changed a lot. my heart has changed, my life has been changed, and i dont know how to put that change into words. that's hard.
leaving rock hill and my students are rather obvious... but being scared to come back to columbia is not something i ever expected to happen. in the beginning i counted down days until this was over. until i could be back. until i could be done. but now i'm scared to step back into a life that's not really mine anymore. i've led a completely separate life for the past two months. a life that i love. a life that i want to keep living, until God doesnt let me anymore. my heart aches at the thought of leaving it, and coming back into another. one that isnt really all that bad, that i loved for a good portion of the past five years, but one that i dont need anymore, one that i dont fit into anymore. or maybe that's why i'm scared... because i dont think that i'll fit. but maybe i will. maybe...
the way my heart feels right now... there are no words.
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